At the miasmic tearfall I sit and watch as new tears join the river. A million moments of sorrow and misery merging, the death of everyone resounding in the water’s roar, and my memories making the air heavy with regret. My eyes look down to see the thing I’m holding ever so close. I grip the tsuka (handle) of a katana created from my own strife. What if I put this blade in my liver?
Does the world even change? Or do I learn the truth? This place isn’t a part of the world I remember. Emotions crossing over a membrane that spans for eternity. A choice to cross the divide isn’t one that anyone has. Existing means coming to grip with the finite nature of existence. These events I recall have left their marks both good and bad. Some of the bad things have been dissected, repressed, changed, and forgotten. Is it possible to remember those things? I gently lick my upper lip in respect of the bittersweet lies I forced myself to believe.
The saya (scabbard) of the katana is a lie as well. A safety to a weapon that isn’t safe. Why do we need to create so many walls between right and wrong? Are we that afraid of the monsters inside of us? I wish I could let my own monster out. I don’t think he wants to kill others. He simply seeks freedom. The monster in me is this katana in my hands. Do I dare take off the mask that still condemns it to darkness? What if the light fills it with rabid anger towards everything that it could never have before? Can I give it reason to care more about tomorrow than yesterday?
I don’t know if I’m strong enough. The katana trembles with immense power. My mind finds itself caught in the hamon. The grooves within the blade tell a story of a man lost inside of his foolish pride. I dropped the blade carrying my heaviest doubts and walked to the ledge. Every fiber of my being reforged in the heat of battle, a battle that will never end.
This miasmic tearfall irradiated by the will power within. The dark fog coming off the tears suffocates me but I keep looking into the tearfall. Wondering if my words could ever break through the membrane between you and me. Like cells in an organism we are aware of each other but divided for good reason until the moment we need each other. Soil on the ledge crumbles apart and falls into the endless pitfall.
“It is myself who must find reason to enter the sorrow of others. If I find them will I be able to pull them back? But maybe that is how true friends are found. When they sacrifice everything for someone they just met could be that foundation. And I will enter the miasmic tearfall to save you my love.”
I leap into the pitfall. Thoughts transcend existence until the moment a choice is made. My choice is to give everything I have for those I love.