Tag: Confusion

A Friend Betrayed

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

At the feet of some great calamity
All we could do was bow and surrender.
Lost the fight, strife remained. Questions
About tomorrow hovered before us
And answers were things never offered.

Foul intent imprisoned our hearts
In iron cages that no one ever departs.

Our enemy accepted as a brother, tongue bit.
It created a Kingdom as we danced to the tune it had set.
With fear in our eyes we watched it like a God
But awaited for the end of this reign. It never did.

A million civilizations created and a million erased in our heads,
Perfection kept out of reach. These sins never forgotten,
Left unredeemed, will never leave.

Words awaited inside but the time is late.
These things are better left unsaid,
Ya know the way we barter time. Afraid
If we step out of line that the weight
Of the world will bear down and never fade.
In truth it’s what we hide and made,
A monster devouring both love and hate.

This monster is us. You and I, every time
We fight to survive. These are the rules of this game.
Rise to fall, fall to rise; we’re caught in a rhyme.

sa;bdry

I stand with Humanity, my brothers and sisters

by Desnei, posted in Art
Created with Microsoft Fresh Paint
“A Drowning Cry”

I write about a lot of worlds with evil. Some of the horrors are quite excruciating and pitiless. My mind must find a way to understand how the characters react. Life doesn’t give a simple choice. Some of us will seek revenge, some will face sorrow, some will break apart, and some will rise from the ashes like a phoenix. I learned most of these paths from living my own life.

A lot of things in life can hurt. Some things penetrate further into the heart than others. I opened up my heart to every point of view I can. The sorrow is too much but I can’t neglect other people. Everyone cries out for understanding. I will do all that I can to make sure that I help whoever I can. The fire in my heart can relight other hearts that have been smothered. It’s my one mission:

Never let the cries of others go unheard.

A Motionless Dream; Part I, Chapter III

by Desnei, posted in Short Story

Falling endlessly through darkness. All thoughts of grandeur vanish, time slows down, and I remember the past. My mind escapes from reality to see the past as if the darkness is just merely a theater for my memories. Suddenly I wonder real fast about what’s wrong with me. I feel so numb about the possibility of dying. Screams can’t save anyone. If the end comes I need some answers before everything goes dark forever. I fell down a hole to jump through the rabbit hole straight into my mind’s reservoir.

I awoke in a motionless dream. . .

A beat of my heart echoes down into the depths of my chest. In it’s resounding it finds a way to travel ever deeper. I cry deep inside trying to understand why. The world cursed me and forbade me from the peace I longed for. Every beat of my heart is a scream for life. Peace remains just out of reach. My rib cage has been made up with knives sharpened by my breath. I’m preparing for a battle with my own demons to calm the rising tide in my veins. If memory serves right on the day when the calmness died my vision turned red. Anger and rage consumed everything else. I tried to sleep it off but it remained. That single day changed everything.

My best friend, her name eludes me now, called me up. She saw something strange in me like a brewing darkness, a premonition, something to fear. I cried for hours on the phone. My shirt’s collar filled up with tears. It strangled me with the realization that I created my own pain. She told me to meet here at the cafe that was only a few blocks away. I turned down her offer. My face is all red, eyes are puffy, and I felt like shit. She insisted on getting out of my apartment. I faked like I didn’t care about that and needed some sleep more. I hung up on her and texted her a sleepy emoji. She texted back a frown emoji. My heart beat reminded me that nothing was okay. I jumped in my bed, grabbed a pillow, placed the pillow over my face, screamed as loud as I could.

I laid there trying to sleep. Cars raced on by, radios rumbled through the air, and someone knocked on my door repeatedly. Anger raised ever further. I started biting on my lower lip until it bled. My mind tossed me around like a rag doll but I tried standing my ground to no avail. Every emotion I felt poured out of my heart like a roaring waterfall. What is a waterfall without water? A cliff that my hands have clung to in an attempt not to fall. I stifled back every tear my eyes tried conjuring up. I didn’t possess the strength for holding up against those waters. My mind reminded me that this is a flight of fantasy not reality. One would think that should’ve made this a lot easier but the truth doesn’t do much by itself. My heart abandoned the truth creating demons in the dark who constantly circle me like vultures to rotten meat.

The person knocked on my door again. I jumped up. I was fed up with whoever this was. I stopped caring and wanted time alone. My fists shook from my anger. She called out my name.  A part of me shattered under the weight of my friend’s words. I placed my hand on the wall next to my door. She called my name again.

“Hey, I should’ve know you would come over here. I really didn’t want to talk about it. You knew that. Why did you still come? I’m grateful you did though Holl’.” I cried a little as I forced up those words.

“Feeling so bad you can’t open the door? You’re my friend. I’ll talk to you even if the barrier is real. Is this the same barrier in our minds? A door we can open but refuse to see the doorknob.”

“I think you can still see it. The key is different. The key is made from yourself only when you’re willing.”

“And you aren’t willing?”

“No.” gently tears rolled down my cheeks, “Life caught up to me. I tried running from it. It never stops even for a second. Everyone fights it but sometimes you can’t fight the truth.”

“Stop fighting. We all need to surrender once in a while. It doesn’t kill us to admit we aren’t as strong as we’d like to think. You aren’t this type of person. You are the friend who loves to go to the coast and look at some hot guys then watch the sunset. I remember the day you nearly had a heart attack because a crab touched you. I laughed so hard at you then you stormed away all red. You swore you’d never talk to me again. That didn’t last long.” Holly started laughing at the memory.

“It was dark. And how could I say nothing to you about those lifeguards?”

“Most chicks don’t say, huh what was it again. Oh yeah! I’d drown on his big c. . .”

“Whoa, stop! The neighbors can hear you.”

“I can’t help you are a slut.”

“I can’t help that you don’t know when to shut up.”

“I can’t help you won’t let me in.”

“I can’t help that I’m. . .”

“That’s right. You can help  yourself feel differently. Just open the door. I really know I can get you to go to the cafe.”

“You better not scream something weird when I let you in.”

“Me? Nevah!”

“Uh huh.” I lowered my hand to the doorknob and turned it.

Holly barged right into my room. She tackled me to the ground. We cried for a little while. People from the apartment gathered around the opened door. We looked at them then each other. Holly smirked at me like she had a really great idea. She whispered to me that she was sorry then kissed me.

“I missed you my lesbian lover!” Holly shouted that so loud that a few people walked away but a few watched more intensely.

“I uh, what?”

“We haven’t talked in forever. I love you!” she closed the door.

“I’m not a lesbian.”

“I know that. You know that. They don’t. Are you coming? Either we stay here and those men attempt to eavesdrop and get a peek or we go to the cafe. I told you I had a plan.” she winked at me.

“You’re a crazy bitch.”

“It takes one to know one hun.”

“Fine! I’ll go with you. I really am more concerned about what my neighbors think now than wanting to be sad. You’re not allowed to come here ever again. I mean it.” we laughed knowing I’ll forget even that soon enough.

Tears flow down my face. I truly forgot about all of this. Holly, she is a friend that would do anything for anyone. Kindness is in her nature. What happened? How did I get to this other world? I am so happy to know I haven’t forgot who I am. She stayed around after everyone else left. She knows me better than I know myself still. What would she say about now? Oh yeah, “That monster we ain’t got in Jersey I tell you that fa sho.” If I get back home I need to slap her for making me go outside.
sa;bdry

A Motionless Dream; Part I, Chapter II

by Desnei, posted in Short Story

The world spins back and forth as opposed to a steady rotation in one direction. Obviously one can observe the fact that this is false. It is only in the inner workings of people that something so obscure can make any sense. Every memory that rewinds time for even a second does make a fantasy. The present keeps moving forward like a glacier across unsteady land. In uncertainty any tale can be made with the right amount of willpower. I gotta stand my ground or be swept away under miles of ice. The glacier is both time and anxiety bearing their weight down upon everyone. If I could run fast enough it’ll never catch up to me. If I could climb it I’d understand. And if I do nothing will it crush me like it did to all those who came before?

I trust this man for some reason. Maybe it is from the fact that he saved me from that man. How did Penelope love Odysseus after he massacred her suitors? Things happen that don’t often make much sense. I know I have never been here before and my name isn’t Rae. I am still stuck here. I hold tightly to his hand because I need something tangible. Time cascades forward as the last rays of sunlight cast across the land. We chase the shouts of guards straight into dusk.
His heavy breathing soothes my worrying heart. The blood that I have left to bleed doesn’t seem as bad as it did earlier. My throat is parched from holding back the truth. Should I tell him? I have to! He doesn’t deserve to not know what’s going on after risking so much to save me. I stop paying attention to him as I wrestle with my own thoughts. Suddenly I fall backwards when he stops running.
“What’s the big idea?”
“Please keep quiet.”
“Huh?”
“Stop talking. . .”
I lift my head up to see but he pushes it down. An oddly shaped shadow stretches across the ground. The jagged angles are not natural. A stillness washes over everything like a lump in my throat restricting me from speaking. Nothing changes. Back and forth moves the shadow as if the creature is pondering what’s in front of it. I accidentally let out a gasp. It stops moving. My heart is beating so hard I swear it could leap out of my chest. The creature takes in a deep breath like wind entering a cave then everything returns to stillness.
I hear its teeth clatter. Sharp, needle like teeth tearing away at both flesh and soul. This is the end. It will lunge at us and devour us in the most savage way possible. I begin screaming in my head stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, STOP!!! The beast roars. Blades of grass instantly dry out, burst into dry dust, and blows away in the wind. Fog begins rolling in. What is going on? I’m so confused. I wonder if I can say something now.
My escort slowly runs his hand through my hair. A shiver runs up my spine as he comes in and holds me against his body. I softly blush at the gesture. We are unable to see more than a few inches in front of us. The creature dashes through the fog most likely searching for us. I feel I should cry but the warmth of this man keeps me from doing anything. Do I have feelings for him? Am I just thankful he is here? All of this is so confusing.
Footsteps sound more and more faint. The fog is starting to clear. We are sitting in a circle of dirt yet he clings to me like a child to his mother. I smile at him. He drops me and jumps up. Our moment completely ruined. He sees me on the ground then offers me a hand. I refuse. After dusting off the dirt from myself I slap him across the face.
“What was that for?”
“You dropped me!”
“Oh, my bad.”
“Your bad? Excuse me. What is wrong with you? Save my life twice but drops me.”
“I think you’re over-exaggerating.”
“Fuck you.”
“Whoa but we’ve only met.”
“Huh?”
“You’re not Rae.”
“How did you know?”
“Your slap was too weak.”
“Is that some sort of snide remark?”
“Yes. You hit like a girl.”
“I know some girls that would knock you the fuck out.”
“But not you.”
“And Rae could?”
“Let’s not talk about this.”
“Pussy.”
“The kettle calling the pot black much?”
“Sexist pig.”
“Bahahaha, are you serious?”
“Uh huh.”
“Well I saved your life twice. Does that mean anything?”
“Thank you. Thank you. Fuck you.”
“Fine. I will.”
“Pervert.”
“Can we stop?!?!”
“Nope.”
“Where is another monster when I need one?”
“What was that thing?”
“A Shariez, Sha-Reez. They aren’t indigenous to here.”
“Why was it here?”
“No clue. I’ve met only like five in all my travels. Rae killed one. I studied the corpse and discovered unknown details about them. They’re blind. Shariez are creatures born from some dark and twisted magic. Drowned humans to be exact. A witch, sorcerer, or warlock fishes out the corpses then does a ritual to reanimate the beings. Before they can be used the eyes must be removed so that they lose all their self-imposed will. A Shariez wouldn’t go so far away from their master unless a very strong magician summoned it. I don’t know anything else.”
“So you pissed off some powerful magician? Nice job.”
“Okay. I shouldn’t have saved you from that human trafficker. They fund research into unsavory magics. I killed a ring leader and his boss wanted me dead.”
“Will there be more?”
“Most likely.”
“Why are you so calm?!?!?”
“Just follow me. I know a place where we’ll be safe.”
“Fine.”
He starts running deep into the forest. I run after him while looking out for more monsters. The last light of day begins to wane as I find the guy standing before a lone grave. I look around and see nothing around not a squirrel, not a bird, not a bug. My escort reaches in his pocket and pulls out a necklace with a locket. He lets out a deep sigh.
“Look in your pockets. Do you have a key?”
“No?”
“Just do it.”
I reach my hands into my pockets. A cold metal feeling settles at the bottom. Each pocket had half of a key in them. I never put these here. The halves click together easily. I glance at the man with a very confused look. He grabs the key from hands. It fits into the lock perfectly. A picture of him and beautiful woman resides in the locket. With a gesture I come over and help him take the top of the coffin off of this un-buried grave. He places the opened locket in the coffin then closes it.
“Now what?”
“Shh.”
Minutes drag on ever so slowly. He kicks me randomly then points at the coffin. I glance at him with another confused face. Neither of us move. A quiet knocking echoes from the coffin. My escort starts pointing at the coffin again. I walk over there and look at it. Nothing is different from earlier. My curiosity piques and I start lifting up the lid of the coffin. Where the wood was before only darkness remained.
“What is this?”
“Stick the landing!” he shoves me down the hole then jumps after me.

I awake in a motionless dream. . .
sa;bdry

A Motionless Dream — Part I, Chapter I

by Desnei, posted in Short Story

What makes the world start and go? Is it the people or the movement of atoms? The clock clicks forward as the soldiers march over a battlefield littered with corpses. A machine made of flesh and bone grinds against the harden earth. Every breath breaks away at the wall that separates today and tomorrow. Caught in the hands of a forsaken man who drives into me the cords of my own defeat like a symphony of strings heard only as a city burns. So why does this keep going?
Circumstance. We live only in an attempt to say we’re not dead. The beauty to be seen is merely an illusion fading away into the endless darkness of the night. A little iris flower sprouting from the flesh of a dead man as if he is only soil. Perhaps that is the reason I seek. All I need is a little reminder that everything is everything. You might ask why. I have no answer to that except a gut feeling. My past is unknown. I am here but without memories so am I truly me?
I awoke in this motionless dream. . . .

The sweet smell of dew covered flowers overwhelms me. My blurry eyes open up, I blink a few times, and look around me. A grassy field stretches far beyond the horizon in every direction. I try standing up but my legs feel so numb. I sit up to get a better idea of my surroundings. Flowers dot the landscape, small plots of wheat sway back and forth against a light gale, and a tree sits a few feet away casting shade over me. I dig my hands into the soil beside me. It’s wet and rich by the way it feels between my fingers like a moist cake.
I expect a bug to crawl up my thigh but never does. I glance around to see if there are birds flying in the sky. None. An eerie silence parades through this place like a chill down my spine. My heart races faster and the scenery starts to spin. A fear, so tangible, grips me by my throat. I struggle to awake from this nightmare. The blue sky darkens to a purple with black clouds drifting slowly on by. My eyes close.
Bustling noise of people brings me back. I look around to see nothing from before except for the tree. Concrete fills the fields, people replace the flowers, and long gorgeous hair flows in the wind. I’m leaning against a wooden pillar holding up the awning to a little wagon showing its wares. A guy perhaps only a year older than me watches me with a charmed expression. I blush at him ever so lightly.
“I see you’re awake! We haven’t had many customers yet. The day is just so beautiful I guess. They all walk on by with smiles. It’s just a part of the trade. How was your sleep? Any dreams?” he eagerly fills me in on what’s going on.
“I uh,” hesitating from the fact I don’t know him, “I did. It was this place but without the town. A beautiful meadow where I couldn’t get up or speak. It was so weird.”
“Dreams do that. Maybe you’ll find some hidden truth in it. Most people move on from their dreams so quickly to live this life but the dreams had something to say. Do you remember our talk three nights ago?”
“I can’t say I do.”
“We’ve grown up a lot in the last two years. We know just who we want to be. I want to follow my father’s footsteps and sell this prdouce to these people. I don’t grow enough for a small militia but enough to sell and eat. When I asked you what you want to be you said you wanted to think on it. Do you know now?”
“Hm I can’t say for sure. I really want only one thing right now.”
“Me.”
“What?”
“What?”
“I was going to say I want to know what’s going on.”
“What we do every week?”
“I don’t remember any of this. Do you really know me?”
“Uh yeah? Is something wrong?”
“Oh. Nothing. I guess I’m just really tired or something. Everything feels a little off.”
“Haha, alright. I was scared for a moment. You looked like you were lost.”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe what?”
“Sorry. I’m thinking out loud don’t mind me.”
“Rae go for a stroll. I can hold the fort down. You just seem like you need some time and space. I’ll be waiting here so try to get back before dusk. I’d hate to not get home before the storm.”
“Alright. What time is it though?”
“A little pass three. If the Sun starts setting just come back. Some people in this town are very weird and I don’t want you to get hurt. Go to the gardens or something. Let go of whatever is bothering you.”
“Thanks.”
I quickly walk away. My memories don’t exist. I try to recall them but only nothingness is there. I only remember my name of Ilyianna. People wave at me like they know me. I wave back only half heartedly. The sound of my feet tapping on the cobblestone road sounds so unreal. Every step tears me from this reality a little more. Thoughts about the dream circle around in my head adding to the disassociation.
My feet stop for a second as I look at the ground. A little piece of paper sits there with a rock weighing it down. I look around to see if anyone left it but no one did. Most of the people mind their own business and keep to themselves. Nervous hesitation shakes through my arm as I reach down and pick up the paper. Words written in blood seep through reading:
If you can see this you have awoke. Good. My name doesn’t matter. I know of Ilyianna’s secret and I bet you want to know. I can’t write it down. You’ll understand soon. Remember this — The clock strikes the umbral heart at exactly light of dawn before the breath of day.
What is going on? What does that mean? Damn it! I have no clue what to think. I need answers not more questions. Ugh, please something start to make sense. I start running. People look oddly at me making me run faster. My heart beats so fast that it could jump right out of my chest. Someone sneaks up on me and puts a hand around my stomach. I scream but nobody hears me. The person gets right next to my ear.
“Be quiet. Did anyone tell you not to walk to this side of town? Some really unsavory types set up shop here. A pretty girl like you could catch a nice penny. Hell, they don’t mind if you’re used too.”
“Get away from me!” I yell.
“Oh how cute. Men like a woman with a little sass especially in bed. It makes it more worthwhile.”
“You’re a monster.”
“I like to see myself as an entrepreneur. The real monster is all of us. These bodies crave lust. I can’t help but give the masses what they want. Supply and demand.”
An arrow flies pass both of us hitting the ground nearby. The man at the wagon from earlier stands there with a bow. He smiles and walks closer. My captor lets me go to back away from this scene. Another arrow hits him in the shin. He screams loudly then whimpers. I run to my savior and cower by his side.
“Are you hurt Rae?”
“I’m just shaken up. I’ll be okay.”
“So what were you trying to do? I know this is a shady part of town but still. I want an answer.” firmly states the young man.
“I thought she needed help. Some of these unsavory types would violate her. Not I. I would never hurt a woman.”
“What do you do for a living?”
“Nothing.”
“Really? A man has been accused of helping the slave trade by preying on helpless women and children. A scruffy man who finds the only thing beautiful in the world is money. He couldn’t respect a woman if he saw one.”
“Watch your tongue! This is my district. Stay to your own. Don’t act so high and mighty when you never starve. Do you even know what it takes to stay safe in this world? By being the first one to act.”
“No. If I starved I wouldn’t hurt another just to eat. Fight your own struggle don’t involve others. It’s a test of will. A test you failed. Pick up your stuff, leave those good people be, and get the hell out of my town. Now!”
“And if I don’t?”
“The law doesn’t protect criminals and thieves.”
“It actually does. Until a self-entitled saint swings his morals around like a gavel. I don’t have to listen to you. I’ll be staying here until the end.”
“Rae, please turn away.” as he says that I turn.
A single arrow flies through the air. The tang of the string echoes through the cobblestone streets. People look up at the unfolding scene. I lean my back against the man wondering what he feels deep inside. How do you kill someone so easily? Why would he not back down? I don’t even know you. Why? He places a hand on my shoulder and kisses my cheek.
“We shouldn’t stay here. Come on. Don’t look back whatever you do.”
He drags me up off the ground. I catch my footing and start running to keep up. The gasps of the townsfolk perpetuate the smell of iron in the air. They don’t understand why. I don’t understand either. I just run to keep ahead of my doubts that will surely tear apart this reality. A hundred questions left without answer. I’m the criminal running from a forgotten past.
My heart beat stabilizes with every step away from the blood spill. I can’t fight an urge to look back. I slightly turn my head right before he places a hand over my eyes. He laughs at me and I glare at him angrily. I decide to not look back despite my urge.
“If you look back at the darkness you’ll never escape. Look forward. Do you see the light?” he stretches a hand out towards the setting Sun.
“Yes.”
“Stay focus on that. It will be the only way to awake from the darkness. I don’t know if I can take you there. I just hope you hold onto this. Don’t stay too long where you are lost or else you’ll become the reason why you’re lost. Learn to walk towards the light even by yourself. For now, just come with me.”
sa;bdry