I walked to that edge of the bridge
Always knowing that this is a dream,
Maybe a nightmare, or a day terror.
The day came I realized I was an error
In a system’s code. Over the stream,
Now a river, I can see the next ridge.
In my hands rests the strength to carry
My doubts and yours, but the water’s so nice.
When I return here every couple days
I feel even emptier than the last time.
If the river dries up someday I could walk away
And return to where you are. There I’ll stay.
Still working on my first novella little by little. Everyday I find myself thinking about the plot. At a point I needed a break from writing it. The problem was created when I asked myself very honest questions. For example:
What is best for a person to do?
To lose yourself in the duty of others; to do what is expected of yourself; to live for something greater. I understand these points of view but I seek so much more. The closest to truth I found is in a quote from Gautama Buddha.
“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it.”
In the novella a man makes a promise to never resort to violence like the people who destroyed the life he once had. The friend he promised that to dies in his arms before he could tell her his true feelings. His world keeps turning on him but for this promise he’ll keep living on.
I started wondering about what that would feel. Reality will set in and each day will just get harder than the last. The truth is I am unsure if I could keep my word. True love stays around forever. She left a mark on him that cannot be erased. What if he uses violence to protect those hurt? Truthfully humanity talks in ideals. The truth should be unprecedented but simple like breathing.
The novella started teaching me more about life. I decided that maybe I need to understand much more before this novella can be. My poetry took root during that time of indecision. The plot of the novella haunted me each time I started to write. Life started creating more struggles for me to overcome. I lost a lot of things and thought I’d never recover.
Many of these lost things weren’t selfish. Strength of my muscles declining, body pain, and faith in what I promised to loved ones. I silenced my voice because I’m ready for the fight of a lifetime. To write about love and never reach it. . .to hold the hand of someone who wants to stay. Nobody will help me reach the girl I truly love and at least she tells me she truly loves me too. Every day I traverse leads me closer.
Will she or eternity catch me first?
Everyone tells me to enjoy what I have. I’m living in stasis, a pale dream of the greater whole. I try learning new things, dreaming of a happy day, believing time is on my side, and realizing I lie to myself. These lies ate everything I am. Until I can break free from them I’ll never understand how the novella ends. The pain keeps me from writing sometimes. And now I know why.
Life wants me to act even if I’m scared. FUCK IT, I WILL CHASE WHAT I BELIEVE IN UNTIL MY FINAL BREATH.
A man who lost his life and turned into something called the Grand Judge had a very rough existence. He never knew his parents due to a terrorism attack at the hospital he was born. The government discarded him into an orphanage with no funding until a wealthy couple adopted him. They treated him more like a slave than a kid by never giving him an education.
Ultimately an elderly butler taught the kid to read. They spent hours talking about the glorious world out there. One day the adoptive father fired the man for what he did. The man asked to adopt the kid because this wasn’t right for them to do. After consideration he accepted the offer at a considerable monetary cost.
They walked across town to a house on the outskirts. He taught the kid a lot but his health kept declining. A sickness crept in and robbed the kind man of his life. Eventually the government took custody again sending him into the military as a child soldier. This one journey in life taught so much pain and hate to an already hurt human.
He hung himself. . .
Desnei met a lot of tragedy as well. He never took his own life but life tortured him in so many ways. Many of the events that lead Desnei into the darkest side of his world create the series Rise of the First Blight. He lives in a world created by the Grand Judge (after he lost his humanity by playing god for millions of years).
Desnei is the last hope for the Grand Judge to finally change his heart. . .
“Treacherous burner of the tapestry of fate,
I spent eons creating a perfect civilization
Where pain doesn’t exist. Only destruction
Followed their births. All the suffering I hate.
Why would you forsake my final grand plan?
With a single thought I could start over again.”
“What do you have to hate? The tears and blood
We spill have nothing to do with you. If your flood
Clears the slate we won’t vanish from where we stood.
Each civilization you destroyed remains within.
What are you running from? It cannot be us all.”
“I’m no god. I was just a man that gave up.
When I was given a choice I just ran far away
And the choice caught me. Given my wish
Because I must learn of something new.”
“Maybe that life isn’t something you can choose.
Life has been and will be. Are you afraid to lose?”
“I already lost. A cruel world where I didn’t belong
Lost me with a little rope. The world was so wrong.”
“I pity you. Did no one ever show you a little heart from the start?”
Footprints in the mud after the snow has melted away are easily lost with the tides of time.
In the darkness they wander around.
Their ears heard a familiar sound.
A past lover? Their old hearts? The virus inside
Cannot be stopped for there’s no longer a cure.
Events of yesterday resonate. Of this I’m sure.
Caught in regret, undertow where hearts reside.
If tomorrow is darkness would yesterday be illuminated?
The light, it can burn if we ever find ourselves too close.
With some distance and patience we can plant a rose.
Sometimes the light haunts when others try moving on
And their days begin to waste away. Every road out
Blocked by memories that will never fade. Be strong.
They can feel more like monsters that invoke hysteria.
I’m no stranger to those monsters. They stand in my way
From time to time. Someday I’ll find all the words to say.
Like how I just did what I thought was best. All these tears
Both sides have shed linger with me each and every day
Even when I try to forget. And that’s just the price I’ll pay
To the ferryman. Charon, take me away from these piers.
Although the footprints disappeared the memories never do. They can turn into fondness or regret so easily. Sometimes they dictate the path we take in life. Are you lost chasing after a smile or a mistake? Don’t get too lost in what’s said and done but never forget what brought you here. Keep moving forward.
Walking through the darkness never seen
By the masses. This Valley of Death between
What we know and what we never ever will.
We aren’t clairvoyant or eternal yet hearts fill.
Hearts fill with what we give and take. The ebb
Of a river that we can’t control yet we strive
For the best. In the undertow we won’t drown.
Are we dead before the final breath or the first?
Such thoughts plague my mind as I ball my fist
And bite my tongue. The truth I can’t ever resist.
This undeserving heart witnessed a light that never fades
No matter how many years pass on by. I will remember it.
A dark night where the stars shine through a small forest
Above a little campfire. A day my heart could finally rest.
Since that day I’ve been oh so restless thinking about my worth
In this big world. Am I living on borrowed time and wasting it all
On nothing important? I hate this feeling! I could do more but I fall
Every single time I try my best. I will rise up again to find my worth.
Hey I was offset by your tender heart and was wondering,
Oh just maybe, can we get to know each other? (Save me.)
There has been a storm brewing and you’re the calm
Before its devastation. Turn your hand, show the palm,
Try to understand we’re both afraid. Time is no cure
For the brokenness inside our hearts. Of this I am sure.
It took a single glance for my heart to feel this resonance,
Light shining from a crack through a wall. Don’t ever forget
Who you are because of suffering. I’ll climb this wall and try
My hardest just know I’m only a human. I’m sorry if I fail.
Words. True love and true hate, I hurt knowing I messed up
When I said I’d never leave. I wanted to stay but the truth
Took roost right here. We needed to grow in the sunlight.
I wouldn’t understand that until I felt the dagger of love
Twisting in my heart. Screaming, thrashing; the dove
Finally broke his wings and fell to Earth’s verdant grove.
The body mended with time but he never flew too high
Out of fear. Regrets clouded the mind. He’d stay
There for refuge believing he lost his own way.
Nothing feels alright, I’m so broken inside. So I sigh.
Trace my fingers on my chest feeling every rib. I wondered,
If I stay here will I ever heal? This is like I’ve surrendered.
That was the day I ran from there. My heart was uneasy
Yet I never stopped running. I couldn’t live by the terms
Others set for me because I knew I’d end up failing them.
I can’t figure out the way and I can’t stay still anymore.
Will you wander with me? On that day forever I swore.
I swore I’d be yours. . .if you’d be mine, no ploys being played.
Is this the fate of a flower petal drifting towards a flame? I reach out so freely until gravity takes hold, pushing me down and setting the motion. The last seconds of a fleeting dream leave me upon a precipice. All I can think about now is a question.
“Do I jump and let go of my worries?”
That question doesn’t apply to suicide even though I’ve been there before. This is a suicide of sorts where the individual loses themselves in part. A flower petal can’t bear the passage through fire and neither can a human if weakness shows. I tried finding other ways around the flames with no avail. Abandon hope all ye who enter here.
Dante’s quote is the reminder I picked from the roots of my education. To stand between religion and science I find light guiding a path to walk. The constant margin for error entices me to delve further into the questions I have. I’ve become unafraid of the unknown because all it has ever been is a boundary.
Those flames still rise. I try my hardest to never get burned just to find that I’m too weak. The love from others is what saves me from burning away and provides me with a new sense of hope. Somehow I steered far away from the fire all these years. Will my journey ever bring me back there? It’ll return until I no longer have the strength to resist anymore.
What would happen if I relinquish hope? The hope exists as a fire within me and it came from the inferno. This curse we have all accepted for more time. How much is enough? Any amount will suffice as long as not today. We are extremely greedy in that respect because just existing is miraculous enough. Certain things in life can’t be let go and that’s why we are greedy in a selfless way. Oh, the irony stemming from that sentence.
We all race through days learning that we can’t let go of everything. Yet I’ll jump from the edge of my fear into the large margin called chance. One day the flames will reach me in my momentary flight and leave not but ash. And thus is the fate of a flower petal.
“The ancient times when steel obelisks stretched towards a blue sky harbored both cathedrals of light and dens of darkness. Many people during that century never noticed the forces in control of their lives. Why would they wish to? A sense of safety was found in the day to day struggles that their social hierarchy created.
After seeing such a system destroy my own world I found myself in a place I can only explain as a requiem. The echoes of every organism endlessly reverberated there. However, an urge pulled me deeper into the sound until I could distinguish between the moments in time. I stayed there watching a trillion separate lives unfold. There was something beautiful in the uncertainty, no the randomness, of their lives tossed into an unknown Universe.
I drifted among that pseudo-space of consciousness for what felt like an eternity. Memories from great scientists, selfless priests, honorable men, and noble leaders demonstrated how beautiful the outcome of life could be. Their deeds inspired me greatly.
I finally realized I wasn’t in control of my drifting between memories. A force comparable to the pulling of tides moved me further through the pseudo-space. I stayed patient and opened my heart for the memories ahead. My thoughts centered around them instead of myself. I even forgot about my own life for a while there. That sudden release of identity never frightened me, never created hysteria, and never felt wrong. The feeling must be explained as nostalgic because there exists a point in every life where memories don’t exist.
Remembering now the life I lived had many struggles but I never stopped reaching higher. I never made it to my unrealistic goals and continued on until the day a war destroyed my planet. It was my home. Like a fairy tale the planet garnished something quite miraculous for such a short time. I’ve never loathed the end of any great tale because all good things must end someday. In truth my past stopped mattering when my death catapulted me from my materialistic universe into this pseudo-space.
Fate, the best name for the force that moved me, led me into a darkness. The number of memories here greatly diminished compared to the bright place I was earlier. I watched very dark memories taint other memories with malign intentions. Suddenly a large burst of energy knocked me away from that area to another.
I landed on my back upon a cobblestone path. My eyes affixed towards the pseudo-space above as I coughed from the hard landing. I sat there confused and watched the dark and bright memories violently clash overhead. Something about this frightened me more than the super nuclear weapon that destroyed my entire planet. My body shivered from the fear but I forced myself onto my feet.
This is where my story begins. . .at the end of my life.”
Notes and memories litter the void of my mind.
I followed the words I’ve been told just to rewind
Back to this one moment where I await the wind.
Why am I caught here? The sails have unfurled
But the air remains still. I start wondering more,
My heart begins sinking beneath all this fear inside.
This reoccurring thought with such a bittersweet taste:
“Do I even belong?”
I once fought that sentence with the entirety of my life.
Every fortification I made was lost with the tide
Because they were sandcastles. I can no longer hide
From the stillness of my life and must relinquish strife.
I have no plan to ever surrender life just accepting this fate
So I can finally overcome it, removing the chains of hate.