Still working on my first novella little by little. Everyday I find myself thinking about the plot. At a point I needed a break from writing it. The problem was created when I asked myself very honest questions. For example:
What is best for a person to do?
To lose yourself in the duty of others; to do what is expected of yourself; to live for something greater. I understand these points of view but I seek so much more. The closest to truth I found is in a quote from Gautama Buddha.
“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it.”
In the novella a man makes a promise to never resort to violence like the people who destroyed the life he once had. The friend he promised that to dies in his arms before he could tell her his true feelings. His world keeps turning on him but for this promise he’ll keep living on.
I started wondering about what that would feel. Reality will set in and each day will just get harder than the last. The truth is I am unsure if I could keep my word. True love stays around forever. She left a mark on him that cannot be erased. What if he uses violence to protect those hurt? Truthfully humanity talks in ideals. The truth should be unprecedented but simple like breathing.
The novella started teaching me more about life. I decided that maybe I need to understand much more before this novella can be. My poetry took root during that time of indecision. The plot of the novella haunted me each time I started to write. Life started creating more struggles for me to overcome. I lost a lot of things and thought I’d never recover.
Many of these lost things weren’t selfish. Strength of my muscles declining, body pain, and faith in what I promised to loved ones. I silenced my voice because I’m ready for the fight of a lifetime. To write about love and never reach it. . .to hold the hand of someone who wants to stay. Nobody will help me reach the girl I truly love and at least she tells me she truly loves me too. Every day I traverse leads me closer.
Will she or eternity catch me first?
Everyone tells me to enjoy what I have. I’m living in stasis, a pale dream of the greater whole. I try learning new things, dreaming of a happy day, believing time is on my side, and realizing I lie to myself. These lies ate everything I am. Until I can break free from them I’ll never understand how the novella ends. The pain keeps me from writing sometimes. And now I know why.
Life wants me to act even if I’m scared. FUCK IT, I WILL CHASE WHAT I BELIEVE IN UNTIL MY FINAL BREATH.
Realities collapse. Those who have traversed the void
Of endless possibilities understand that there is a road
One must take to understand oneself. Not led by a goad.
Walking down a lonely hallway, but the mind opens a gate
To a metaphysical plane where your thoughts can manifest.
How do you see this world? Events ultimately leave their mark
And you’ll never be the same. On the inside, are you still okay?
You might walk on by but you’ll never hide that metaphysical scar
Born from weakness. Do you hide it behind your false strength
Or tell yourself that pain should be forgotten? It exists for a reason.
When life feels dark there’s light to be found. Season by season
Choices are made and consequences are met. The length
You walk in life isn’t a set number. Face it to find your own lodestar.
What I see will never give any light to the demons you’ve created.
I understand that I’ll never break through the barrier you generated.
That doesn’t mean I won’t try. Everything I chase isn’t out of desire
But compassion. I want to bring a storm to your heart that’s on fire.
Crossing the planes of existence just to say I love you. . .
A curse of dignity cast by accidental probability.
Circumstantial fall from grand castle eaves, grace,
Where the pages of stories find themselves written.
I’m not a real king for I oversee this false kingdom.
The real world continues forward without me there.
I chase dreams no matter who won’t remain near.
A life spent writing, finding love, and just having fun.
How long will the facade stand? I sink into the waters
Born from existence, a breath and a vision. In tatters
I get stronger believing I can survive, turning the gun.
I thought I’d be the one falling but here I find myself
Afraid like a wild animal trapped. I will not die today.
Not a king or a man, the design of society rejects me.
My heart’s good. That I swear. I won’t ever let others
Tell me that the path I walk has no structure or merit.
The King of Dreams delves into the unseen. Hear it.
My heart beating to scream that I’m alive. Us lovers. . .
Us lovers that history will forget. Doesn’t that scare me away
From the truth? No. I continue living with my own price to pay.
The truth is that I was meant to live even when I don’t know why.
A war called existence greedily plucks at my stiff heartstrings
And the most exquisite music fills the empty corridors of my
Heart. We all will walk toward a dream that like a bell rings.
The stars they fall into the darkness one by one.
Nothingness echoes from the reliquary of life
Across dimensions forged by time and space.
Standing at a hilltop I remember the light
Shining upon pastures of green. That night
Never ends. All the people safe in their homes
Have their simple, beautiful lives. Tomorrow comes.
I thought that they were all fools but I understand
The love of simple things as I reach out my hand.
Will anyone grab my hand before I drift away among the cosmos?
No wings but these eyes of mine capture the dying light of distant stars.
Stuck in orbit I want to drift endlessly with glittering eyes reflecting
Everything ten-fold. I aim to be extraordinary like a shooting star
People wish on as it crosses the horizon from this lonely hilltop.
Take this hand and move me into your glorious orbit. In your arms
I feel safe. Where are we heading? Your glance pierces and disarms.
At the right time everything came together making this single moment.
Is this fate, divine intervention, or chance? All three routes converge
Into one. No answer to be found because the answer is known as life.
Silently the starlight disappears within the daylight.
I remember the dreams we outlined. It wasn’t right,
That’s what you say but I couldn’t shine in your light.
Don’t turn back to say sorry just shine like always
Because that’s how I know that you’re still okay.
Faraway among the distant sky and outer space you radiate
Creating the elements, redefining the primeval architecture.
Will anything remain the same? Like a storm you fracture
The walls surrounding. Will we rebuild or just decimate?
The desolate distance in between filled with the frequencies
Of two wild beasts. Every heartbeat drags us closer
As we run apart but your gravity’s greater. I fall backwards
But get back up to deny this fate; The constellations, my chains.
Don’t turn back to say sorry just shine like always
Because that’s how I know that you’re still okay.
Out of sight yet the force of gravity holds onto me. If I ever wait
I’ll sink into the depths of you my twin star. Is it already too late?
To reach an impossibility one must first do the unexpected.
Take the things learned but then walk towards the unknown
Because no one knows what awaits there. Reach for the sky.
We all look for wings only to find that nothing changes.
A way away from this ordinary existence, a graveyard of hearts.
The undead never rise from their graves. We’re all stuck in standby
Wondering what could be but never is. Is that a place to live and die?
Asking myself what’s the point in this real world. . .rejected, forgotten;
Tears spent over numbness I can’t change; lives lost following others.
I say words of hope but my eyes have another goal in sight like tethers
Holding me suspended above an abyss – carefree hearts not yet rotten.
An abyss of stagnant life where everything withers and crumbles in the wind.
I climbed out of that in search of something more, something true,
Something sweet. Exiled from the normal world by my unchanging heart
I’m left to wander. I’ve seen other hearts flirting with the dark abyss
And find myself with words to say before they drown in that numbness.
“Don’t feel you have to fit in. You can just be you. Change if you must,
Change for those you love and trust. I’ve been there sinking in their words
Until the light of the Sun disappears. It’s scary like you’re drowning.
Take my hand if you aren’t sure. You’re not alone. There’s atoning
For the helplessness found within but first take my hand. Lay down swords,
Let your armor fall, forget the battle; calm down and let your worries rust.
We should let the bad degrade away. Don’t forget it but try to see the way
Everything falls into alignment. Just be yourself and with me you can stay.
I keep leading the way. Do I know for certain? No, I just can’t let others hurt
The way I did. We’ll fall from the graces of society but gain our hearts.
So if you want never conform and join me in building a life up from the dirt.”
All these sundry lives lead the way back
To a land forgotten from current sight,
A home for each and every tear and smile lost
Along the way towards both growth and undoing.
The path remains shrouded in fog
As everyone finds a way to continue.
Nobody knows what awaits just ahead
But here we enter, here we shall tread.
Restless in our wake trying to redo
What we’ve messed up in life’s log.
Petrified by regrets eating away at the mind.
I rise up from that state of stasis to rewind.
But time never gives to force. The lost feelings
Make me feel so hollow inside. Fill me up,
A warmness I can’t replicate alone. Booze
Only masks the truth, I couldn’t lie to myself,
And now I wonder; where are you? Yes, I failed
Yet watch me get up and try. . .try to change.
Petrified by regrets eating away at the mind.
I rise up from that state of stasis to move on.
This sundry life of mine has never been okay
And that’s no excuse for running away in fear.
I knew that just I ran because I knew you’d stay
By my side. Love that will end in tragedy, dear.
Call me whatever, I accepted my curse and ran
Until your words could no longer haunt my sleep.
I need love but my fate will cause pain to anyone near.
I’m sorry I couldn’t say that then. I suffered every tear
Knowing it was better to be alone. We both weep
The end of a true love. If only I was a better man.
Time changes a lot. Eight years since that goodbye
And I can’t run from my heart anymore. I’ll die
Someday but today ain’t that day. Love wasn’t a lie.
I now see that life won’t always be clear or easy. We sometimes try helping
Others to end up hurting them due to a lack of compassion and understanding.
My moniker Desnei serves as an antithesis to disparity. I decided that I’d never accept myself standing apart from others and will cross the line when possible. I’m no traitor but a visionary who seeks the unity of all men. We all have a responsibility to our fellow men to stand together through tumultuous times. Such a movement crosses every boundary imagined, it’s something known as compassion.
Often I’ve forgotten what I keep struggling for. Where others see conflict I see an unfortunate consequence of despair. People have never been pawns in a game because they have real feelings. To teach others a different way has been a calling reverberating throughout my body. I know humanity will always hold a candle of hope as long as generous people try. The light will never die if I touch another heart with my simple compassion.
And this is why I write; to let the compassion spread like a wildfire across the Earth, stop the potential hatred that could fuel the sorrow conjuring a million tears, and to help those in need. It’s true I do write fantasy that can sometimes be dark but compassion remains fundamental. The dark stuff exists because compassion was lost leading a few astray. In reality some people face times where life can seem very dark and unforgiving but they can be saved from it. Just reach a hand out for every one who feels lost.
I imagined up a universe where the virtues of humanity are amplified. Emotions are the main foundation creating reality for my characters and they must face them. Slowly the characters realize their universe started from the sorrow a man faced and never could overcome. They must stand against his fallible nature to teach him what he never learned about life. Life might not be perfect but it’s beautiful.
One character finds himself working for assassins after a wealthy mayor steals the his family’s livelihood. He faces many tribulations on the road of his life after giving into his bitter feelings. The mayor knows he wronged many people but finds himself unable to stop because the wealth makes him feel important. When they meet again only one will be alive afterwards. This isn’t directly a story of compassion. This event of indifference marks when possessions possess a man. Why does that happen? The mayor never deeply understood human compassion when he was a child creating a void in his behavioral growth. He inevitably chased his greed to his own grave. Now a young man must face his inner turmoil while moving from a terrible past to an uncertain future.
Without looking too deep into the specifics their stories are easy to relate with. A good family facing rough times can often lead some members into making bad choices. Lack of love will lead some toward any unsavory sense of belonging through such as greed, lust, wrath, and so on. Sins can very accurately describe a person’s disposition when they have lost all sense of control. I believe the best way to counter that chaotic impulse is to show that there’s more than what has been seen. If only everyone could feel like they belong but in a world of nearly eight billion people some can feel isolated. Don’t let them if you can.
I understand this is a very lofty aim but I can believe in it. If the compassionate side of humanity shines brighter loneliness will be eradicated. Through kindness a dark fantasy universe can be saved. So why not this single planet? I truly think humans can do just that.
Hey I was offset by your tender heart and was wondering,
Oh just maybe, can we get to know each other? (Save me.)
There has been a storm brewing and you’re the calm
Before its devastation. Turn your hand, show the palm,
Try to understand we’re both afraid. Time is no cure
For the brokenness inside our hearts. Of this I am sure.
It took a single glance for my heart to feel this resonance,
Light shining from a crack through a wall. Don’t ever forget
Who you are because of suffering. I’ll climb this wall and try
My hardest just know I’m only a human. I’m sorry if I fail.
Words. True love and true hate, I hurt knowing I messed up
When I said I’d never leave. I wanted to stay but the truth
Took roost right here. We needed to grow in the sunlight.
I wouldn’t understand that until I felt the dagger of love
Twisting in my heart. Screaming, thrashing; the dove
Finally broke his wings and fell to Earth’s verdant grove.
The body mended with time but he never flew too high
Out of fear. Regrets clouded the mind. He’d stay
There for refuge believing he lost his own way.
Nothing feels alright, I’m so broken inside. So I sigh.
Trace my fingers on my chest feeling every rib. I wondered,
If I stay here will I ever heal? This is like I’ve surrendered.
That was the day I ran from there. My heart was uneasy
Yet I never stopped running. I couldn’t live by the terms
Others set for me because I knew I’d end up failing them.
I can’t figure out the way and I can’t stay still anymore.
Will you wander with me? On that day forever I swore.
I swore I’d be yours. . .if you’d be mine, no ploys being played.