Tag: Struggle

A Flower of Shattered Glass

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

What can be seen in this distant reverie? My heart
And hands failing to reach. The reality is so chilling
Like I’ve been dead or I was a corpse from the start.

Dreams given our breath can raise the dead. Only so far
Can this way take us and at a point we must take an oar.

Who would defy the flow, clear these vines, and remain?

I walk my own path. All I’m trying to do is live a life
I can believe in. No side taken even under a knife.

I’ve been broken and lost in the madness but I’ll walk
Forward in solidarity with my friends. We know what’s
At risk. That’s why we stand up even when we’re afraid.
No one can break what’s already been broken long ago.

Among shattered glass I see petals. There’s so much more
Than what has been lost in pursuit of everything we swore.

still-by-claus-bellers
The form may be lost but the dream remains.

To Open the Heart

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Touching my chest to feel my heartbeat.
It reminds me I can go on without retreat
Toward my own purpose. Ain’t no minor feat.

Humans; angels and demons test me everyday
But I’ll survive their trials. They don’t understand
What’s at stake here. Any greater design hides
From my eyes as I reach my hand into the light.

The warmth and beat keep flowing like a river.
I lost myself to the undertow. Drowning there
I begin to wonder where I’m heading. I shiver.
This lonely journey won’t take me from here.

When I finally return to these depths I know
Where I’ve been like footprints in the snow.

anharta
The Anahata

To Face This Life

by Desnei, posted in A City of Glass, Activist, Rise of the First Blight
Still working on my first novella little by little. Everyday I find myself thinking about the plot. At a point I needed a break from writing it. The problem was created when I asked myself very honest questions. For example:
 
What is best for a person to do?
 
To lose yourself in the duty of others; to do what is expected of yourself; to live for something greater. I understand these points of view but I seek so much more. The closest to truth I found is in a quote from Gautama Buddha.
 
“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it.”
 
In the novella a man makes a promise to never resort to violence like the people who destroyed the life he once had. The friend he promised that to dies in his arms before he could tell her his true feelings. His world keeps turning on him but for this promise he’ll keep living on.
 
I started wondering about what that would feel. Reality will set in and each day will just get harder than the last. The truth is I am unsure if I could keep my word. True love stays around forever. She left a mark on him that cannot be erased. What if he uses violence to protect those hurt? Truthfully humanity talks in ideals. The truth should be unprecedented but simple like breathing.
The novella started teaching me more about life. I decided that maybe I need to understand much more before this novella can be. My poetry took root during that time of indecision. The plot of the novella haunted me each time I started to write. Life started creating more struggles for me to overcome. I lost a lot of things and thought I’d never recover.
Many of these lost things weren’t selfish. Strength of my muscles declining, body pain, and faith in what I promised to loved ones. I silenced my voice because I’m ready for the fight of a lifetime. To write about love and never reach it. . .to hold the hand of someone who wants to stay. Nobody will help me reach the girl I truly love and at least she tells me she truly loves me too. Every day I traverse leads me closer.
Will she or eternity catch me first?
Everyone tells me to enjoy what I have. I’m living in stasis, a pale dream of the greater whole. I try learning new things, dreaming of a happy day, believing time is on my side, and realizing I lie to myself. These lies ate everything I am. Until I can break free from them I’ll never understand how the novella ends. The pain keeps me from writing sometimes. And now I know why.
Life wants me to act even if I’m scared. FUCK IT, I WILL CHASE WHAT I BELIEVE IN UNTIL MY FINAL BREATH.
sa;bdry

The Grand Judge v. Desnei

by Desnei, posted in Fantasy, Fiction, Poetry, Rise of the First Blight

A man who lost his life and turned into something called the Grand Judge had a very rough existence. He never knew his parents due to a terrorism attack at the hospital he was born. The government discarded him into an orphanage with no funding until a wealthy couple adopted him. They treated him more like a slave than a kid by never giving him an education.

Ultimately an elderly butler taught the kid to read. They spent hours talking about the glorious world out there. One day the adoptive father fired the man for what he did. The man asked to adopt the kid because this wasn’t right for them to do. After consideration he accepted the offer at a considerable monetary cost.

They walked across town to a house on the outskirts. He taught the kid a lot but his health kept declining. A sickness crept in and robbed the kind man of his life. Eventually the government took custody again sending him into the military as a child soldier. This one journey in life taught so much pain and hate to an already hurt human.

He hung himself. . .

Desnei met a lot of tragedy as well. He never took his own life but life tortured him in so many ways. Many of the events that lead Desnei into the darkest side of his world create the series Rise of the First Blight. He lives in a world created by the Grand Judge (after he lost his humanity by playing god for millions of years).

Desnei is the last hope for the Grand Judge to finally change his heart. . .

“Treacherous burner of the tapestry of fate,
I spent eons creating a perfect civilization
Where pain doesn’t exist. Only destruction
Followed their births. All the suffering I hate.

Why would you forsake my final grand plan?
With a single thought I could start over again.”

“What do you have to hate? The tears and blood
We spill have nothing to do with you. If your flood
Clears the slate we won’t vanish from where we stood.

Each civilization you destroyed remains within.
What are you running from? It cannot be us all.”

“I’m no god. I was just a man that gave up.
When I was given a choice I just ran far away
And the choice caught me. Given my wish
Because I must learn of something new.”

“Maybe that life isn’t something you can choose.
Life has been and will be. Are you afraid to lose?”

“I already lost. A cruel world where I didn’t belong
Lost me with a little rope. The world was so wrong.”

“I pity you. Did no one ever show you a little heart from the start?”

sa;bdry

Of These True Desires

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Realities collapse. Those who have traversed the void
Of endless possibilities understand that there is a road
One must take to understand oneself. Not led by a goad.

Walking down a lonely hallway, but the mind opens a gate
To a metaphysical plane where your thoughts can manifest.
How do you see this world? Events ultimately leave their mark
And you’ll never be the same. On the inside, are you still okay?

You might walk on by but you’ll never hide that metaphysical scar
Born from weakness. Do you hide it behind your false strength
Or tell yourself that pain should be forgotten? It exists for a reason.
When life feels dark there’s light to be found. Season by season
Choices are made and consequences are met. The length
You walk in life isn’t a set number. Face it to find your own lodestar.

What I see will never give any light to the demons you’ve created.
I understand that I’ll never break through the barrier you generated.
That doesn’t mean I won’t try. Everything I chase isn’t out of desire
But compassion. I want to bring a storm to your heart that’s on fire.

Crossing the planes of existence just to say I love you. . .

56906006e3e2aceed9fc5d37fb1ec493

If tomorrow is darkness would yesterday be illuminated?

by Desnei, posted in Activist, Poetry

Footprints in the mud after the snow has melted away are easily lost with the tides of time.

In the darkness they wander around.
Their ears heard a familiar sound.

A past lover? Their old hearts? The virus inside
Cannot be stopped for there’s no longer a cure.
Events of yesterday resonate. Of this I’m sure.
Caught in regret, undertow where hearts reside.

If tomorrow is darkness would yesterday be illuminated?

The light, it can burn if we ever find ourselves too close.
With some distance and patience we can plant a rose.

Sometimes the light haunts when others try moving on
And their days begin to waste away. Every road out
Blocked by memories that will never fade. Be strong.
They can feel more like monsters that invoke hysteria.

I’m no stranger to those monsters. They stand in my way
From time to time. Someday I’ll find all the words to say.

Like how I just did what I thought was best. All these tears
Both sides have shed linger with me each and every day
Even when I try to forget. And that’s just the price I’ll pay
To the ferryman. Charon, take me away from these piers.

Although the footprints disappeared the memories never do. They can turn into fondness or regret so easily. Sometimes they dictate the path we take in life. Are you lost chasing after a smile or a mistake? Don’t get too lost in what’s said and done but never forget what brought you here. Keep moving forward.

darkl

The King of Dust and Dreams

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

A curse of dignity cast by accidental probability.
Circumstantial fall from grand castle eaves, grace,
Where the pages of stories find themselves written.
I’m not a real king for I oversee this false kingdom.

The real world continues forward without me there.
I chase dreams no matter who won’t remain near.

A life spent writing, finding love, and just having fun.
How long will the facade stand? I sink into the waters
Born from existence, a breath and a vision. In tatters
I get stronger believing I can survive, turning the gun.

I thought I’d be the one falling but here I find myself
Afraid like a wild animal trapped. I will not die today.
Not a king or a man, the design of society rejects me.

My heart’s good. That I swear. I won’t ever let others
Tell me that the path I walk has no structure or merit.
The King of Dreams delves into the unseen. Hear it.
My heart beating to scream that I’m alive. Us lovers. . .

Us lovers that history will forget. Doesn’t that scare me away
From the truth? No. I continue living with my own price to pay.

The truth is that I was meant to live even when I don’t know why.
A war called existence greedily plucks at my stiff heartstrings
And the most exquisite music fills the empty corridors of my
Heart. We all will walk toward a dream that like a bell rings.

flwr
To exist but to never be. . .

Hands, A Path Towards Clarity

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, Song

The colors of a gradient shift as they bleed from my heart.
Emotions silenced by the demons of who I couldn’t be.
They’ve returned stronger than ever before. To start
Anew I must dissolve all these colors that were never me.

By some chance the man you see won a game of survival,
No it was a race to ever be. We all got here by a little luck.
Watch the stars shine and follow your heart; don’t get stuck
Believing what others say. You’ll find a way, your reprisal.

I listened and fell down as the world kicked me in the stomach.
“I’m perfectly okay. It’s alright.” That’s the cry of a lost man!

Pushed myself further because I wanted to rise.
Bleeding my heart’s fill trying just to remember
That I’m stronger than this. On a cold December
Night I decided that giving up would be unwise.

Caught by the undertow of something larger than my existence
All I can do is swim back up. Every breath reminds us that hands
Are meant to be held not to hold grudges. We will never forget!

Never forget the human kindness that heals every wound made.
Fallen but not lost for I see the way. I can’t let myself just fade. . .

sa;bdry
Humanity must rise together. . .

Ignorance, A Curse of Stone

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, Song

All these sundry lives lead the way back
To a land forgotten from current sight,
A home for each and every tear and smile lost
Along the way towards both growth and undoing.

The path remains shrouded in fog
As everyone finds a way to continue.
Nobody knows what awaits just ahead
But here we enter, here we shall tread.
Restless in our wake trying to redo
What we’ve messed up in life’s log.

Petrified by regrets eating away at the mind.
I rise up from that state of stasis to rewind.

But time never gives to force. The lost feelings
Make me feel so hollow inside. Fill me up,
A warmness I can’t replicate alone. Booze
Only masks the truth, I couldn’t lie to myself,
And now I wonder; where are you? Yes, I failed
Yet watch me get up and try. . .try to change.

Petrified by regrets eating away at the mind.
I rise up from that state of stasis to move on.

This sundry life of mine has never been okay
And that’s no excuse for running away in fear.
I knew that just I ran because I knew you’d stay
By my side. Love that will end in tragedy, dear.

Call me whatever, I accepted my curse and ran
Until your words could no longer haunt my sleep.
I need love but my fate will cause pain to anyone near.
I’m sorry I couldn’t say that then. I suffered every tear
Knowing it was better to be alone. We both weep
The end of a true love. If only I was a better man.

Time changes a lot. Eight years since that goodbye
And I can’t run from my heart anymore. I’ll die
Someday but today ain’t that day. Love wasn’t a lie.

I now see that life won’t always be clear or easy. We sometimes try helping
Others to end up hurting them due to a lack of compassion and understanding.

sa;bdry
We must seek understanding not excuses, incitements, or selfishness.

Young Icarus: The Free Heart

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, Who I Am

Hey I was offset by your tender heart and was wondering,
Oh just maybe, can we get to know each other? (Save me.)

There has been a storm brewing and you’re the calm
Before its devastation. Turn your hand, show the palm,
Try to understand we’re both afraid. Time is no cure
For the brokenness inside our hearts. Of this I am sure.

It took a single glance for my heart to feel this resonance,
Light shining from a crack through a wall. Don’t ever forget
Who you are because of suffering. I’ll climb this wall and try
My hardest just know I’m only a human. I’m sorry if I fail.
Words. True love and true hate, I hurt knowing I messed up
When I said I’d never leave. I wanted to stay but the truth
Took roost right here. We needed to grow in the sunlight.

I wouldn’t understand that until I felt the dagger of love
Twisting in my heart. Screaming, thrashing; the dove
Finally broke his wings and fell to Earth’s verdant grove.

The body mended with time but he never flew too high
Out of fear. Regrets clouded the mind. He’d stay
There for refuge believing he lost his own way.
Nothing feels alright, I’m so broken inside. So I sigh.

Trace my fingers on my chest feeling every rib. I wondered,
If I stay here will I ever heal? This is like I’ve surrendered.

That was the day I ran from there. My heart was uneasy
Yet I never stopped running. I couldn’t live by the terms
Others set for me because I knew I’d end up failing them.

I can’t figure out the way and I can’t stay still anymore.
Will you wander with me? On that day forever I swore.

I swore I’d be yours. . .if you’d be mine, no ploys being played.

icarus
Together we can return to the skies. By myself I’ll just fall, same with you my dear friend. . .