Question What’s Accepted

by Desnei, posted in Activist, Truth

What if I want to just live on my own terms? Constantly as I grew up people always told me what I should do. Their insights were never wrong but nothing I could ever follow. I’m not saying I plan on being anything new or great. I’ll be the best me I can be and nothing else. When humans try being more than they are they make mistakes and can hurt someone else. That’s no way for me to repay this life I’ve received and my friends.

Maybe I give into my doubt due to fear that I’d lose myself by climbing the rungs of life. The more we gain the more we forget about where we began. How does anyone move forward with that? By believing what awaits them will be better. I no longer believe that things will ever get better and still I saw I look toward tomorrow. That’s just because I only live to see tomorrow even if everything good fades away. Most others dismiss my feelings as depression.

I feel truly alive and great. The reality of any situation shouldn’t stop anyone from living. I wish I could say everything will be alright but life has always been a gamble. High risk and high reward. I’m no betting man I can’t put everything on the line because I have things left to do. Does the path I walk have any neon lights? No. I don’t know what the things I have left to do are either. Truthfully a lot of time wasted thinking about what I’m after.

Life should be lived and cherished for the miracle it is. Nothing should be more grand than the existence we crawl into. But humanity lies to itself about progress in an attempt to further wealth. Tell me, is life all about serving those who control through wealth, power, and manipulation? The simple lives aren’t at fault. What’s at fault is human greed. People complain about the petty things but that divides the whole human race further while the wealthy gain from our pain. Sounds like I’m saying we should bet everything against them. . .I’m not. We need to live our lives and show that we will never give up.

Where the Mists Began

by Desnei, posted in Fiction, Rise of the First Blight

The Mists, what is it? I guess the material that makes up consciousness. It’s something constantly changing but represents the concept of self. The self is not a certainty. People find who they are through their experiences. A blank canvas represents the Mists and life’s experiences represent the colors of paint on a palette. What they paint; what they become doesn’t matter as long as they live.

I thought of the Mists because I’ve always questioned bloodshed over beliefs. Many times beliefs weren’t at fault but used by others with bigger agendas. But what of the ones who believed in what they did? It’d be very cruel if one set of beliefs held credibility while others didn’t. Without certainty I created the concept of the Mists to move people from a narrow mindedness. Will others follow? Probably not. The contingency of humanity doesn’t gain much from working together against those with bigger agendas. They’re better off believing everything they’ve been told because they’d lose a lot of their comforts. I can spout ideals all my life yet get nowhere with my dedication. Selfishness will undoubtedly lead humanity towards a pinnacle moment where survival and luxury collide.

At that point the Mists took on a new direction as the basis of a fictional story. During my leisure time throughout my high school day I fleshed out the tale. A tragic hero named Desnei conquered death only to find himself cleaning up the mess of a world teetering upon its destruction. His world mirrors the real world in some respects to humanity and how we too teeter upon our destruction. Through his efforts Desnei saved his world some time after sacrificing himself. Without going into too much detail he originally lived during a time where four major cities vied for supremacy despite on paper being united by a World Government.

Two of the cities openly assaulted each other causing many mass exoduses during their hostility. Desnei attempted fleeing with his fiance with a military caravan. They discovered the opposing regiment sent out genetically altered humans after the caravan. Either him or his fiance had to assist a few soldiers in distracting the enemy. Chivalrously Desnei accepted the task and promised he wouldn’t die there. The thing about promises is we sometimes can’t keep them because every step forward has a risk. A risk that we turn and run, we try and fail, or we win this bet. He died.

The Mists welcomed the young man’s consciousness as his body stopped functioning. A question he often struggled with in life displayed itself in a way he could easily relate to. Run away or face the truth? Many humans find themselves caught between these two routes. It’s easy living in one’s limited view of life but harder learning from the views of others. Although the choice decided during life might not be the best in death there’s another chance. Is one path right or wrong? Not entirely. People advance at their own pace. A closed-off view will be safer than exploring the unknown. Taking the step from safety towards uncertainty must be directed by the person living the life no matter how much time might be spent. Desnei stated a great response towards himself at this time:

“You have lived your life and died by a choice to help another live one more day. Will you live on believing everything is alright or face that you’re dead without her? It hurts, yeah it should. You’re upset for obvious reasons but a choice must be made. Look forward instead of behind.”

Ultimately he accepted the reality. The place he entered contained trillions of other consciousnesses existing. Some were good and some were bad. Others told him about the layout of the Mists, the rulers of certain isles, the Fog of Lethe, and so many remarkable things he never believed in. Desnei decided he’d set off towards the nearest ruler named Rintaen but discovered true unrest in the Mists. A large squirmish between men and men with wings erupted over trivial matters. After he made landfall one of the men with wings promptly tossed Desnei and his raft back into the Mists. Unsure what he messed up Desnei drifted between that isle and another until a mysterious man appeared. Kronos.

They talked about the Mists for a long time. Kronos explained that the isles share names with writings from multiple faiths. The two isles nearby deemed Heaven and Hell may have similarities with their religious equivalents but they aren’t the same. This Kronos convinced Desnei that he ferried separated lovers from these isles back together at a cost. Desnei asked him if love could bridge a way back to the real world. Kronos replied:

“Of course love can make that a desire but payment is the means by which I can reunite you with your loved one. I often gather small memories from those seeking love but you’d sacrifice much more. I can’t take all your memories or I’d release a monster into existence. What to do. . .oh wait, a deal that only the living could do. Us figments of the Mist don’t truly exist and because of that we can never enter where you came from. Let me use you for my bidding. I’ll smuggle you to a place where hope doesn’t exist so you can do what’s impossible there. Revive yourself.

If you can’t I’ll bring you back here. She’ll die eventually then you’ll both be reunited and I’ll take a few unnecessary memories. What do you have to lose? Desnei think about what could be done if you returned. You probably wonder others never returned but that’s because I didn’t exist back then. A certain difference in the combined consciousness conjured me. So, what would you do with your renewed life?”
“Cherish every second. I’ll do it.”

That single choice started Desnei down an entirely different route than if he waited. This is what the Rise of the First Blight teaches people. We’re all humans trying our best but sometimes we make foolish choices. Good or bad doesn’t matter because life can become very confusing with all the differing variables. The journey he began here will open a new way for many others, a new set of variables. As a story Rise of the First Blight can be described as daunting for it’s meant to be something that reminds humanity about who we are.

sa;bdry

Of Shadows and Flowers

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

A dozen or so shadows dance around a light.
They resemble the human form we all share
But somehow appear mystical. I watch in awe
As their carefree steps meet. Could I dare
To have what they do? Fears escaping sight.

I inch closer towards the light and tremble with visible anticipation
Showing in my movements, a path to my creation and destruction.

All the shadows are so pretty. Why can’t I be that way?
If I was a flower I’m one of those overused and left on graves
Because they’re only pretty when left to wither. The bells
Ring in the birth and death of everything they ever knew.
So how long will these flowers be beautiful? Withering
Away before they ever find their way. Yeah, I’m the same.

Watching the other flowers blossom from a distance;
The dancers reveling in the light. A form of self torture
Leaving me unsure that I even exist at all. What stance
Should I take if I’m the sickness craving for my own cure?

I start to inch away from the light and relinquish anticipation
From my movements, a path towards my self reconstruction.

Close my eyes and let go of what can’t be mine today.
I miss out on life by thinking about what can’t be changed.
It can’t be changed because what I have is my life
And I can’t take what isn’t mine. I’m simply a human being
Trying to find a way through life’s uncertainty. The light
Starts flickering until it’s gone and so are the shadows.

flwr
So long did I envy what I couldn’t be until I saw what I truly was. . .

 

 

Take My Hand (Keep Your Heart)

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, Who I Am

To reach an impossibility one must first do the unexpected.
Take the things learned but then walk towards the unknown
Because no one knows what awaits there. Reach for the sky.
We all look for wings only to find that nothing changes.
A way away from this ordinary existence, a graveyard of hearts.

The undead never rise from their graves. We’re all stuck in standby
Wondering what could be but never is. Is that a place to live and die?

Asking myself what’s the point in this real world. . .rejected, forgotten;
Tears spent over numbness I can’t change; lives lost following others.
I say words of hope but my eyes have another goal in sight like tethers
Holding me suspended above an abyss – carefree hearts not yet rotten.

An abyss of stagnant life where everything withers and crumbles in the wind.
I climbed out of that in search of something more, something true,
Something sweet. Exiled from the normal world by my unchanging heart
I’m left to wander. I’ve seen other hearts flirting with the dark abyss
And find myself with words to say before they drown in that numbness.

“Don’t feel you have to fit in. You can just be you. Change if you must,
Change for those you love and trust. I’ve been there sinking in their words
Until the light of the Sun disappears. It’s scary like you’re drowning.
Take my hand if you aren’t sure. You’re not alone. There’s atoning
For the helplessness found within but first take my hand. Lay down swords,
Let your armor fall, forget the battle; calm down and let your worries rust.

We should let the bad degrade away. Don’t forget it but try to see the way
Everything falls into alignment. Just be yourself and with me you can stay.

I keep leading the way. Do I know for certain? No, I just can’t let others hurt
The way I did. We’ll fall from the graces of society but gain our hearts.
So if you want never conform and join me in building a life up from the dirt.”

Hands, A Path Towards Clarity

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, Song

The colors of a gradient shift as they bleed from my heart.
Emotions silenced by the demons of who I couldn’t be.
They’ve returned stronger than ever before. To start
Anew I must dissolve all these colors that were never me.

By some chance the man you see won a game of survival,
No it was a race to ever be. We all got here by a little luck.
Watch the stars shine and follow your heart; don’t get stuck
Believing what others say. You’ll find a way, your reprisal.

I listened and fell down as the world kicked me in the stomach.
“I’m perfectly okay. It’s alright.” That’s the cry of a lost man!

Pushed myself further because I wanted to rise.
Bleeding my heart’s fill trying just to remember
That I’m stronger than this. On a cold December
Night I decided that giving up would be unwise.

Caught by the undertow of something larger than my existence
All I can do is swim back up. Every breath reminds us that hands
Are meant to be held not to hold grudges. We will never forget!

Never forget the human kindness that heals every wound made.
Fallen but not lost for I see the way. I can’t let myself just fade. . .

sa;bdry
Humanity must rise together. . .

Ignorance, A Curse of Stone

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, Song

All these sundry lives lead the way back
To a land forgotten from current sight,
A home for each and every tear and smile lost
Along the way towards both growth and undoing.

The path remains shrouded in fog
As everyone finds a way to continue.
Nobody knows what awaits just ahead
But here we enter, here we shall tread.
Restless in our wake trying to redo
What we’ve messed up in life’s log.

Petrified by regrets eating away at the mind.
I rise up from that state of stasis to rewind.

But time never gives to force. The lost feelings
Make me feel so hollow inside. Fill me up,
A warmness I can’t replicate alone. Booze
Only masks the truth, I couldn’t lie to myself,
And now I wonder; where are you? Yes, I failed
Yet watch me get up and try. . .try to change.

Petrified by regrets eating away at the mind.
I rise up from that state of stasis to move on.

This sundry life of mine has never been okay
And that’s no excuse for running away in fear.
I knew that just I ran because I knew you’d stay
By my side. Love that will end in tragedy, dear.

Call me whatever, I accepted my curse and ran
Until your words could no longer haunt my sleep.
I need love but my fate will cause pain to anyone near.
I’m sorry I couldn’t say that then. I suffered every tear
Knowing it was better to be alone. We both weep
The end of a true love. If only I was a better man.

Time changes a lot. Eight years since that goodbye
And I can’t run from my heart anymore. I’ll die
Someday but today ain’t that day. Love wasn’t a lie.

I now see that life won’t always be clear or easy. We sometimes try helping
Others to end up hurting them due to a lack of compassion and understanding.

sa;bdry
We must seek understanding not excuses, incitements, or selfishness.

Carrying A Small Candle In Somber

by Desnei, posted in Activist, Rise of the First Blight, Who I Am

My moniker Desnei serves as an antithesis to disparity. I decided that I’d never accept myself standing apart from others and will cross the line when possible. I’m no traitor but a visionary who seeks the unity of all men. We all have a responsibility to our fellow men to stand together through tumultuous times. Such a movement crosses every boundary imagined, it’s something known as compassion.

Often I’ve forgotten what I keep struggling for. Where others see conflict I see an unfortunate consequence of despair. People have never been pawns in a game because they have real feelings. To teach others a different way has been a calling reverberating throughout my body. I know humanity will always hold a candle of hope as long as generous people try. The light will never die if I touch another heart with my simple compassion.

And this is why I write; to let the compassion spread like a wildfire across the Earth, stop the potential hatred that could fuel the sorrow conjuring a million tears, and to help those in need. It’s true I do write fantasy that can sometimes be dark but compassion remains fundamental. The dark stuff exists because compassion was lost leading a few astray. In reality some people face times where life can seem very dark and unforgiving but they can be saved from it. Just reach a hand out for every one who feels lost.

I imagined up a universe where the virtues of humanity are amplified. Emotions are the main foundation creating reality for my characters and they must face them. Slowly the characters realize their universe started from the sorrow a man faced and never could overcome. They must stand against his fallible nature to teach him what he never learned about life. Life might not be perfect but it’s beautiful.

One character finds himself working for assassins after a wealthy mayor steals the his family’s livelihood. He faces many tribulations on the road of his life after giving into his bitter feelings. The mayor knows he wronged many people but finds himself unable to stop because the wealth makes him feel important. When they meet again only one will be alive afterwards. This isn’t directly a story of compassion. This event of indifference marks when possessions possess a man. Why does that happen? The mayor never deeply understood human compassion when he was a child creating a void in his behavioral growth. He inevitably chased his greed to his own grave. Now a young man must face his inner turmoil while moving from a terrible past to an uncertain future.

Without looking too deep into the specifics their stories are easy to relate with. A good family facing rough times can often lead some members into making bad choices. Lack of love will lead some toward any unsavory sense of belonging through such as greed, lust, wrath, and so on. Sins can very accurately describe a person’s disposition when they have lost all sense of control. I believe the best way to counter that chaotic impulse is to show that there’s more than what has been seen. If only everyone could feel like they belong but in a world of nearly eight billion people some can feel isolated. Don’t let them if you can.

I understand this is a very lofty aim but I can believe in it. If the compassionate side of humanity shines brighter loneliness will be eradicated. Through kindness a dark fantasy universe can be saved. So why not this single planet? I truly think humans can do just that.

sa;bdry

A Wretched Tale: The Darkest Night

by Desnei, posted in Fantasy, Fiction, Rise of the First Blight

I grabbed the dual berettas and walked towards the beasts. They clawed at my face as I kicked them back. I crushed one of their necks with my foot. The dark blood oozed out from its mouth. More of those beasts raced towards me.

They pushed me down and gnashed at my flesh. The darkness in their making seeped into my veins. Memories from the souls obliterated by them clouded my thoughts. I screamed because I once knew those faces as friends.

My blood sloshed onto marble floor. The beasts carved to the bones in my limbs. They ignored the meat and reveled in my suffering. Oddly my thoughts weren’t on saving my life but the absurdities in this life.

Fear chained me from ever taking action. I never trusted anyone because they could hurt me. They weren’t these demons but they scared me to the core. What if I failed them? They’d abandon me without a second thought. All those frightened souls looking for a reason to stay.

We walked away from each other. When the demons arrived we ran from our friends in need. The concept of survival destroyed everything we created together with a single strike. I stubbornly accepted that as the only way but they needed me. What good is living if you’re alone?

I never meant for the love we shared to someday die. This tragedy stoked the dying fire left in our memories. I grabbed one of the demons and tossed it against a wall. My arms trembled from the pain but I used the berettas tearing a way through the pack.

They watched me and slowly advanced. Their warfare tactics pushed me into a corner where I propped me body up. I unloaded on their front line, propelled myself through the formation, chomped on one of their necks and drank the demon’s blood, and suddenly my vision went black. . .

My body banished my mind from control. I joked around with my thoughts during the whole entire time. I shunned myself for drinking tainted blood but knew I would’ve died if I didn’t. The selfish nature I succumbed to will bring its tolls until I’m dead from the weight I carry.

I forced my eyes open to see the horror. Dark blood healed my wounds, my hands grew claws, and I spoke in their tongue. The demons laid decapitated around me and their blood formed a design, a circle split into fourths. Unable to move myself I loosened my grip on my humanity.

Who are you? I am you. The blood holds the memories of others and the demon. When you drank it you accepted us. We are you now. What are you doing? You need to regain control and assume your human form. You’ll die if the demon blood takes over. And how does this fix that? Blood purifying. The afflicted blood makes the symbol, to the left humanity stands, demons haunt the right, and the accumulation of dreams leads the way. Essentially we’ll sacrifice a human, a demon, and a Mistkin for you to live. I DON’T WANT THAT!!! You don’t have a choice, live on for us who reside within. The demon’s chains shattered and our memories don’t want us to die again. Please.

Three near dying beings stood in the circle with me. My demon blood started flowing out of my eyes. The demon and human evaporated into spheres of light cleansing the dark blood. I dropped to my knees because of immense pain. I watched the Mistkin be drained of his blood to save me from blood loss. He absorbed the cleansed blood until the ritual finished. He changed into a being of pure light that spoke.

“Ah, you are the one. The true sinner who stays alive to defend the holy radiance. Born of humanity and bathed in evil. You’ve seen the light from the darkness. A knowledge forbidden because few man are worthy of the sacrifice. To always see the radiance but never reach it. And what is your name Lightbringer?”

“Shadow, a moniker because the real name has been lost.”

Young Icarus: The Free Heart

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, Who I Am

Hey I was offset by your tender heart and was wondering,
Oh just maybe, can we get to know each other? (Save me.)

There has been a storm brewing and you’re the calm
Before its devastation. Turn your hand, show the palm,
Try to understand we’re both afraid. Time is no cure
For the brokenness inside our hearts. Of this I am sure.

It took a single glance for my heart to feel this resonance,
Light shining from a crack through a wall. Don’t ever forget
Who you are because of suffering. I’ll climb this wall and try
My hardest just know I’m only a human. I’m sorry if I fail.
Words. True love and true hate, I hurt knowing I messed up
When I said I’d never leave. I wanted to stay but the truth
Took roost right here. We needed to grow in the sunlight.

I wouldn’t understand that until I felt the dagger of love
Twisting in my heart. Screaming, thrashing; the dove
Finally broke his wings and fell to Earth’s verdant grove.

The body mended with time but he never flew too high
Out of fear. Regrets clouded the mind. He’d stay
There for refuge believing he lost his own way.
Nothing feels alright, I’m so broken inside. So I sigh.

Trace my fingers on my chest feeling every rib. I wondered,
If I stay here will I ever heal? This is like I’ve surrendered.

That was the day I ran from there. My heart was uneasy
Yet I never stopped running. I couldn’t live by the terms
Others set for me because I knew I’d end up failing them.

I can’t figure out the way and I can’t stay still anymore.
Will you wander with me? On that day forever I swore.

I swore I’d be yours. . .if you’d be mine, no ploys being played.

icarus
Together we can return to the skies. By myself I’ll just fall, same with you my dear friend. . .

The Faded Guardian

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, Rise of the First Blight

In the world of the Rise of the First Blight feelings can manifest reality. The concept would be like an object casting a shadow and the shadow’s distortion changing the space around the object. One manifestation can be called the Fade. It’s a place for those who give up on believing things will ever change.

They can escape the place if they overcome their hopelessness. The emotion manifests itself as giant guards who protect a device used for going back. If the people didn’t want a reason for not  returning the guards wouldn’t exist. . .all except one.

This man is a symbol of despair. He lived to help others and learned about life but nothing prepared him for the truth. His respect for others took a hard hit when his hero displayed true colors. The fallen hero told him:

“We all put on a show to protect our prosperity. This success wouldn’t exist without others suffering. So don’t act all stoic, you’re a fake like me.”

The young man refused that. He learned there was truth in his fallen hero’s words but decided there must be another answer. Eventually the man is no longer young and he’s dying. Tears raced down his wrinkled cheeks as he tells his grandson something he spent his life searching for. The truth:

Standing amid light and cheer but darkness grabs
Hold of me. I haven’t seen much just enough
For my heart to never recover. The truth stabs
Me in the gut again and again. It’s rough.

I set off in search of knowledge. Got what I wanted,
It wasn’t what I needed. Fall from hunter to hunted.

What did I find? A well of hope feeding on blood,
The antithesis of everything I’ve been taught –
How naive can I be? What we have wrought
Has become an abomination. Pull down my hood.

To die or to walk. The truth is a scary demon
Clawing at my throat. I look away. I have to.
If I fight what’s in front I’ll never see daylight
Until my last shallow breath releases CO2 in the air.

So I pull down my hood. I’ve seen true despair
And know I’m a shadow to others. A great blight,
Something you face but wish you never had to.

Silence and a stern gaze, “I’m still aware of the good humanity can mend.
For there’s even a light within thee old Garden of Sin that I should defend.”