The Defiled Heart

The darkness inside lashes at my memories
In an attempt to steal who I am. It’s the mark
Burned into my flesh awaking my inner demons.

My wrath, lust, and pride slithering under my skin;
A burn that never goes away. Will they ever win?
I swallow my unsettled doubts, like pills with gin.

We don’t choose the fights we’re tossed into. Survive,
That’s what our hearts scream. Is that why I still strive?

Dark and cold black flames judge my heart to a feather.
I failed. Know that I’m not giving in. There’s a day that
I gotta see with these eyes and feel with these hands.
My wretched fate repeats day by day yet, I smile.

They call me Ariex Nightblade. I watched wars,
Witnessed genocide, killed a friend; I left
The Royal Protectorate to heal these scars.
This curse I took on instead of being ever so bereft.

My brother Synji bears the other mark.
The endarkened; the illuminated.
We serve two roles in a grand tragedy.

I need to survive. . .reject fate ordained.

sa;bdry

Our Redemption

The Sins We Carry Together

When did all the little lies we once said manifest
Into hate and disconnect? The lives we risk in an
Attempt to conceal our sins. Will they ever return?
I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself.
In my hand I hold a sword but, I know I’m a killer.

Dark clouds stretch from horizon to horizon
As if on this day Gehenna comes for us all.

The generals lead us into tactical formation.
Others look at mementos thinking about others
And their promise to return. But this is devastation,
The last station between life and death flowers.

Flowers will grow from the corpses both sides leave.
The pollen will reach loved ones. They’ll cry and heave.
I’m not here for honor and justice. Wars must be fought;
The sins of the few are the sins of humanity. I sought. . .

Peace that never came. If war is the price we pay
Take me instead of these people with lives
To return to.

Step to the drawn line,
The flowers will blossom soon;
We face the storm now.

Gehenna Rising

The sound of catapults firing, louder than thunder,
Echoes across the battlefield. Formation scatters,
Calvary clashes between the carnage, and the blood
Flows from mangled bodies into the fray.

Kindness absent in both our and their eyes.
Instead a flame burns, threatening what’s left
Of our humanity. How the truth is swept
Away even as we bleed under these skies.

Does anyone understand the consequences?
Thieves steal and live, heroes fight and die.
We aren’t characters in a story. We won’t surrender
To those that push good people to kill. Soldiers stand
Together staring into the abyss selfishness makes.

The coins we cast into wells never answered;
Tears into blood and mud. We are the tortured.

We raised Gehenna in search of redemption. . .

The Demon Within

In a flash of lightning and fire the cavalry
Enter the abyss. Both armies charge.
We all understand that this evil stage
Will only end when we achieve victory.

I pour my heart into a strike against another blade
To deflect the attack. The enemy stares at me
Like a wild beast. He isn’t wrong.
Other soldiers swing at me as I roll back.
My comrades attack and pierce their chests.
I hear them suffocating. We push forward.

Enemies and allies fall to their knees
All around me. Tears brim in my eyes.

Everyone lays around except me and one man.
Our pain leads us toward each other;
The gravity of our hearts pulls eternally.

Our blades clash with the heaviness we carry
As our feet sink into the bog. A photo falls
From the enemy’s pocket but we attack again.
I scream and kick the man back into the mud,
He takes off his helmet, we stare at each other.

We get ready for another fight.
“Only one can live this hell.”
“By sky, by earth, by sea; return.”
The man slices through my arm
Before I can even react. I fall
Into his arms and stab him in the gut.

“Aim to kill. Your enemy will show. . .”
“No. . .mercy.” He coughs up blood.
I couldn’t watch. I wrap my hands
Around his neck so he suffers no more.

After I pick up his sword and rest it in the ground.
The storm dissipates but, I keep on crying
For everyone that died today; the only sound
Left to be heard. “We were all trying. . .”

Daylight Breaks

“The payment atones but if we never change
Then what good is it? We are all so strange.”

I turn toward the Sun and begin walking.

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To Shatter Life’s Bindings

The fall of blade ricochets inside my mind
Whenever I realize what we’ve been fighting for.
I’m disarming myself with the enemy behind
My back and beneath my skin. What’s in store?

Walls built within aren’t ever built perfectly.
We pray for the sledgehammers secretly.

I’ll have my fights but not now.
Look at the calmness in my eyes,
I’m not willing to fight this war.
The war between my heart, my mind,
And what others say. I surrender.
I just want to be humble and free.

If I forget these subconscious chains
I can forge my destiny even as it rains.

sa;bdry
All of us will die someday. . .better live on our own terms.

The Harbingers of the End

They were once best friends. Pride and greed
Warped their hearts. So everyone take heed:

The desire to reach what we don’t need hurts
In the end when we betray a friend. We can
Walk forward together instead of racing.
A race towards death? Nobody wants that.

In a world where the subconscious can change
Reality they get what’s coming. Their grudge
Led to their deaths but they won’t rest. Rage.

They chase after positions of power in a reborn world.
Leading armies of the dead, searching for a champion,
And laughing at the pain of others. The good won’t stand
By while darkness marches on. These actions started a war.

So if you only see your desires know that you’ll fall all alone,
Instead of meeting that end stand up with me. We are one.

sa;bdry
We can’t turn our backs on each other without ending up alone in the end.

A Flower of Shattered Glass

What can be seen in this distant reverie? My heart
And hands failing to reach. The reality is so chilling
Like I’ve been dead or I was a corpse from the start.

Dreams given our breath can raise the dead. Only so far
Can this way take us and at a point we must take an oar.

Who would defy the flow, clear these vines, and remain?

I walk my own path. All I’m trying to do is live a life
I can believe in. No side taken even under a knife.

I’ve been broken and lost in the madness but I’ll walk
Forward in solidarity with my friends. We know what’s
At risk. That’s why we stand up even when we’re afraid.
No one can break what’s already been broken long ago.

Among shattered glass I see petals. There’s so much more
Than what has been lost in pursuit of everything we swore.

still-by-claus-bellers
The form may be lost but the dream remains.

To Face This Life

Still working on my first novella little by little. Everyday I find myself thinking about the plot. At a point I needed a break from writing it. The problem was created when I asked myself very honest questions. For example:
 
What is best for a person to do?
 
To lose yourself in the duty of others; to do what is expected of yourself; to live for something greater. I understand these points of view but I seek so much more. The closest to truth I found is in a quote from Gautama Buddha.
 
“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it.”
 
In the novella a man makes a promise to never resort to violence like the people who destroyed the life he once had. The friend he promised that to dies in his arms before he could tell her his true feelings. His world keeps turning on him but for this promise he’ll keep living on.
 
I started wondering about what that would feel. Reality will set in and each day will just get harder than the last. The truth is I am unsure if I could keep my word. True love stays around forever. She left a mark on him that cannot be erased. What if he uses violence to protect those hurt? Truthfully humanity talks in ideals. The truth should be unprecedented but simple like breathing.
The novella started teaching me more about life. I decided that maybe I need to understand much more before this novella can be. My poetry took root during that time of indecision. The plot of the novella haunted me each time I started to write. Life started creating more struggles for me to overcome. I lost a lot of things and thought I’d never recover.
Many of these lost things weren’t selfish. Strength of my muscles declining, body pain, and faith in what I promised to loved ones. I silenced my voice because I’m ready for the fight of a lifetime. To write about love and never reach it. . .to hold the hand of someone who wants to stay. Nobody will help me reach the girl I truly love and at least she tells me she truly loves me too. Every day I traverse leads me closer.
Will she or eternity catch me first?
Everyone tells me to enjoy what I have. I’m living in stasis, a pale dream of the greater whole. I try learning new things, dreaming of a happy day, believing time is on my side, and realizing I lie to myself. These lies ate everything I am. Until I can break free from them I’ll never understand how the novella ends. The pain keeps me from writing sometimes. And now I know why.
Life wants me to act even if I’m scared. FUCK IT, I WILL CHASE WHAT I BELIEVE IN UNTIL MY FINAL BREATH.
sa;bdry

Of These True Desires

Realities collapse. Those who have traversed the void
Of endless possibilities understand that there is a road
One must take to understand oneself. Not led by a goad.

Walking down a lonely hallway, but the mind opens a gate
To a metaphysical plane where your thoughts can manifest.
How do you see this world? Events ultimately leave their mark
And you’ll never be the same. On the inside, are you still okay?

You might walk on by but you’ll never hide that metaphysical scar
Born from weakness. Do you hide it behind your false strength
Or tell yourself that pain should be forgotten? It exists for a reason.
When life feels dark there’s light to be found. Season by season
Choices are made and consequences are met. The length
You walk in life isn’t a set number. Face it to find your own lodestar.

What I see will never give any light to the demons you’ve created.
I understand that I’ll never break through the barrier you generated.
That doesn’t mean I won’t try. Everything I chase isn’t out of desire
But compassion. I want to bring a storm to your heart that’s on fire.

Crossing the planes of existence just to say I love you. . .

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To Be Free is to Choose

Existence has no chains at all for a beast to tighten
Yet, the beast can loosen what was already there.
An entirely new story through a choice can be written.

That’s the beauty in being. Every single choice holds
Another universe in place at its roots. My only strength
To make my way through all these entangled events;
A noose hugging my neck. There is no certainty here.

I never know if I will be safe. Little lies can comfort
Me like they do for everyone else until I walk away.
A missed heartbeat, a step from a chair, a sway
On a cliff ~ I can’t let my dreams be a last resort.

Life can come undone as quickly as spun thread.
Should calipers cut it or should it unwind instead?

I’ll spend my whole being weaving the tapestry unseen.
My life isn’t mine to lead but to witness and to create
A story that only I can tell. Not for society, not for humanity,
Not for faith; I might be unaffiliated with others but I’m free.

chao
Existence has no set path for the Universe is but a forest. . .

The King of Dust and Dreams

A curse of dignity cast by accidental probability.
Circumstantial fall from grand castle eaves, grace,
Where the pages of stories find themselves written.
I’m not a real king for I oversee this false kingdom.

The real world continues forward without me there.
I chase dreams no matter who won’t remain near.

A life spent writing, finding love, and just having fun.
How long will the facade stand? I sink into the waters
Born from existence, a breath and a vision. In tatters
I get stronger believing I can survive, turning the gun.

I thought I’d be the one falling but here I find myself
Afraid like a wild animal trapped. I will not die today.
Not a king or a man, the design of society rejects me.

My heart’s good. That I swear. I won’t ever let others
Tell me that the path I walk has no structure or merit.
The King of Dreams delves into the unseen. Hear it.
My heart beating to scream that I’m alive. Us lovers. . .

Us lovers that history will forget. Doesn’t that scare me away
From the truth? No. I continue living with my own price to pay.

The truth is that I was meant to live even when I don’t know why.
A war called existence greedily plucks at my stiff heartstrings
And the most exquisite music fills the empty corridors of my
Heart. We all will walk toward a dream that like a bell rings.

flwr
To exist but to never be. . .

Righteous & Blind (The Human Condition)

I cross a foggy valley full of forgotten terrors without fear.
Vines lace the cliffs; mindless beasts wander; the fog
Obscures my sight. Every breath lulls me toward madness
But I keep my feet moving. I selfishly cling to my own life.

When the path is unknown what else can be done?
Step by step, risk by risk; I’m striving to atone
For the promises I couldn’t keep. I’m not set in stone.

Terrible things lunge at me and I stay calm as I fight through.
Fear would leave me for dead like everyone who came before.
I won’t be another tombstone laid in the ground. If I wash ashore
From this Hell who would say that the sky will remain blue?

Everyone is familiar with gray clouds and stormy weather.
The sky remains blue behind all the curtains in the theater!

What does it matter where I’ve been? It’s about where I’m heading.
Every deep valley finds me blind as I reach for the memories,
A blue sky with clouds slowly drifting by. Nothing will ever stop me.

I’m one of the terrors that reside here. Selfishly reaching for the light
No matter the cost, chasing a dream that’s been so long out of sight.