Tag: Conviction

The Tempest

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Retelling the tales of glory we once knew.
There was a time we loved but it flew. . .

Away.

A goodness inside faltered. Just stay,
Words that couldn’t bridge this chasm.
We used to fight against life’s illusions
Like heroes unafraid of anything. So, why?
What changed inside your gentle heart?
I will never know what wasn’t said.

These lines felt by each of us the same.
Dreams got shattered and we ran away.
Friends dragged out to these sea spray
Waters and depths; the day the tides came.

Fearless men now soaked and shivering cold
Never saw the storm. We did what we were told
But, the truth had vanished from our own hold.

I started a journey to unlearn the path
That led to this tempest. Seeking truth.

the-tempest-1886-1.jpg
The Tempest ~ Ivan Aivazovsky, 1886

 

Misdirection

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Stepping to the line that divides what I knew
From what I learned. The reality I have now
Might be a travesty in the eyes of the few.
At a point in the past I would wonder how.

Did I really care that much I’d judge myself?
Their words caught and placed me on a shelf.

My hands that can’t build or destroy a palace
Don’t play any role on this lonely island
Planet. What more can you want from me?
I gave my everything and still fell down.
We have grown but these scars remain
Making me believe I’m useless.
The strength I use to live is stolen
Because I don’t have any left.

One more bad dice roll from being forgotten.
I bet everyone would like that, to forget my sin
Then move on like I was never even here.
I see that daily. The truth has been clear
So I’ll try my best to live a lie with some reason.
What has hurt me will someday be forgotten.

Will I ever be able to live in your world?
I’ll always be there but I’m not that cold.

We won’t see eye to eye when you hate
Me for being what you can’t be.
The pain I fought through resonates
And trust me you’d never want a taste.
Fear consuming all that I am.

I’m so far gone since that fateful day
When you marked me. Shaken
My faith in this life I’ve taken.
The self hate that I will no longer say.

I have often questioned what I don’t like and why. My mind tries to understand every point of view for justification purposes. (Often that means forgiving horrendous acts because the person did what they thought was truly right even when they were misled.) Most people wouldn’t want to cross that line because they may never be able to find their way back. I’m positive I lost myself.

I can justify the worst actions but not mine. By judging myself too harshly I fail to find much meaning in the life I lead. Wish I could. The only tethers I have to this life are my friends even though they probably just pity me. “What do they really think of me?” haunts my mind when talking to them. If I started crying would they even know that THIS is why. There is an emptiness inside I will always hide.

The days slip by with me trying to do anything constructive. My hands slip before I ever become anything substantial. Others judge my failed efforts making me feel entirely useless. I can’t be them. I still try to be though! This is what can’t be justified. If I ever want to truly fight my own battle I need to tune out everyone else. I’m learning how to be the best man I can be.

Talk to me and you’ll never see the pain I harbor. Never believed anyone would help me so I never asked. Years went by I still remained quiet. People said I was either stupid or mean which I loathed with my whole being. No one expected anything from me. Where are my friends now? They’re moving on when my feet refuse to do the same. Will any of them reach out to see if I’m alright? Maybe they just gave up on me.

I made new friends who remind me  that this whole thing is wrong. I’m doing the best I can in a tough situation. The words of others affect me more because I am self conscious after everything that has happened to me. My mind never stops analyzing giving myself a different perspective that others have a tough time relating. I found people who take the time. Everything is starting to look up.
sa;bdry

Shifting Paradigms

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

A world I love for good and bad
Like the Sun and moon we watch
Every day. Every cell will attach
Creating all living things. I’m sad.
The endless beauty lost to a match
Destined to burn the canvas. A patch.
Temporary verdant, is all I ever had.

Will you ever see me just once?
I stay here watching you dance.

My true name remains unknown
But you know it. Say it to me again.
Human, a beast without a crown.

What I’m meant to be isn’t grand
Although, a majesty exists to be seen:
The gift of chance known as the Earth.
This is what I’m aiming to always see.
Existence. I find resistance from others
Bringing me to my knees. I’ll never beg!

Why force me into a lonely spiral?
Gripping to the ledge I remember
Everything I believe and love. November,
Harbinger of our frigid Winter crystal.

I thought we’d enter the blizzard’s fray
Without ill will but I saw you walk away.
There was a time I’d ask you to stay.

I’m caught in a shift from romanticism
And dark romanticism towards realism.

A romantic drowning in a world of realists. “Am I alone?” These three words echo in an empty space. Well there isn’t a point in self loathing when I know I’m different from the rest. I don’t fit the paradigm created by mankind. I have no desire to destroy or change it just observe. I’ll do what is necessary for a self-respectable life but nothing more. Lazy? Perhaps. Happy? Yeah. The difference is my life is based on the profound instead of the mundane.

treeinfourseasons

Eye to Eye with the Darkness

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, Song

These days I’ve seen doves become ravens
Yet the grace remains in their flight. Hunger,
The difference between the good and the evil.

I watch from afar as death and injustice
Rest atop the apex of this epoch as deities.
My hands appear bloody in my dreams.

Their deaths stain both the lost and silent.
My heart tries but will never be resilient.

I call it a curse because I’m fearful of the truth I see.
Anchor myself in truth though I speak in allusions
For it hurts my soul to know. The world has illusions
That I never make friends with. Castoff in the sea.

If I end up drowning in all the blood spilled by the avaricious
Know I have no regrets for I could never close my own eyes.
54aa7a83afd0515f6dab3a3bc97121b8

The Reason / Remembrance

by Desnei, posted in Who I Am

I remember you. The only words I can find since you left this world. Many details about you I will never know but, what I do know is the kindness you showed to me. You spoke about God often. The days we’d spend talking about Heaven being a grand tavern hosting an eternal festival. You gave the sunshine a purpose as a blessing light. I feel blessed by the light even now.

Can you feel your kindness carry on inside of me? I’ll give it to others like you did for me. If the world uses kindness then everyone might one day be blessed by the sunshine you showed me. Others don’t understand why I live the way I do. I know you wouldn’t question or disrespect my life choices.

They can think whatever they want as long as I keep going with a smile. When the going gets tough I get tougher but not until then. Preparing for the inevitable will never be my way to live because I understand life. Thank you for giving me the light I needed on the inside.

Let me be the radiance of God’s love. Maybe not the god you knew but the combined existence of everything. I’ll radiate the kindness you, a shard of God, taught me.
sa;bdry

Scarlet and Cyan Lines

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Scarlet lines decorating the marble floor
When the eyes come out, the blind kin.
What they’ll tell you is naught but sin
Disguised. Just show them the door.

If you listen you’ll die before God comes
To rip every sinful fiber from your damned body.

What remains? Are you nothing but darkness?
Shadows casting where the throne sits;
Your heart of thorns must burn and to ash!
I called you a friend but you never could be.
You could never be me. The truth will slash
Through every lie ever made. Take hits
Until you feel fear inside absolute hopelessness.

But truthfully there is just us. God and the Devil
Get you second after me. Every lie you speak
Condemns you. Others will let you be. Not I.
Who told you it was alright to hurt others?
Not any god, not any man with a good heart;
By listening to the teachings of bad, evil men.
How could you have known what evil was
When evil is the norm? Greed is the true sin.

Please take what you need and stop, moderation.
We will find ourselves cleaner at the destination.

An army doesn’t scare me. Fill me with lead
If you must but more will rise to rebel. Eternal
Radiance will break through these long shadows.

Cyan lines trail down the cheeks of the loving kind
Who still believe in Humanity. We never fall behind,
We help those in need, we sacrifice our lives
For others, and we care. So put down the knives.

I’ll step in when you can no longer back down. . .
51464-national-honor-society-quotes

The Selfish Bastard I Am

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Walk back down the road, tell me that
And I’ll do it. Here I stand with myself
Believing I will always prevail. A shelf
Isn’t the place for a life, but why this hate?

Did I not always have my lofty, unrealistic aims?
I tried living without them and felt dead. I’m sorry.

If everything came to a choice;
Could you accept what I decide?
I’d set off seeking more in this life
Unaware of what’s in front of me.
I’m blind to the simple things,
Left stumbling into the unknown.

Where did I go wrong? Rejoice,
I’ll walk without thoughts of suicide
Chaffing my ankles. Take a knife
And snap the binds. Are we the same?
The pain returns and stings
Like a fresh wound unknown.

I should’ve said the truth; my world is full of suffering
And I’m trying my best to carry on. I find me stuttering
When talking you. I want to shelter you from my differing
Point of view because the night is eternal with no returning.

And here you remain like a stain I can’t wash out.
Will you be the rain and clean the heart I cannot.

“Maybe I’m being selfish. We are going through our own suffering that shakes our foundations. I’m trying to drown out of my pain and see you clearly. These visions of scarlet and cyan lead me away from the truth. Tripping over myself when I run to you. Selfish are my ways but you make me want to be better. I’ll learn from these shortcomings and become the man you always deserved. In the end this love may come undone and I accept that the best I can, yet; I continue forward with the teaching life gives.”

Lost in the Sea of Self

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Slumbering memories sinking under
The waves of existence. When I awake
Will anything remain of what I knew?

A canvas bleeding light and darkness
Until every inch is changed. Calmness
Washes over as I remember tenderness
I could never find but it rests in nothingness.

From the Sea of Self new life will awaken.
I’m but a single thread caught between.

Walking through the lonesome shallows
Where shadows haunt. I feel my heart race
As they remember something that we erase
Along the way. They ready the gallows.

Screaming, lashing; I’m dragged before the noose.
A rope made of the falsities my memories release
Dangles from the smog in the air. Of all the things
Given and taken by me the sentence seems right
For a thief. On the platform a lonely crow sings
Like a tragic form of catharsis. The rope is loose
And I look around to see no one. I hear a noise.

A great storm roars from not far. Nowhere to run
I fall on my knees and tears crash straight down.

“When everything comes undone will you stand or run?”
sa;bdry

Don’t Stop, Keep Moving

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

The push and pull of forces, big and small,
Keep leading my feet through all these days.
Tomorrow remains unclear when I’m in a daze.
I’ll remember your words. “Go where your feet fall.”

Many fears wait behind life’s curtain.
A play unfolding. We are calling for rain
To wash away all of what we entertain.

Walk forward. Someday the lights will fade to dark
Leaving us to wander. I’ll remain here with your mark.

Your words stir within when the defenses
Come tumbling down. Selfishly I cling
Because I was not prepared for life.

I’m walking here amid an unending darkness with much pain.
But I wouldn’t be walking if it wasn’t for your words like rain.

They fall so gently. A beautiful serenity
Resounding from your heart, Soon we depart
Yet the words keep us bound. Where do I start
With admitting that you ARE my eternity?

These words filling my head, light sweet liquor filling your glass;
We dance along to the music of life. Don’t let the chance pass.
heart-on-fire

The Serenade of Falling Leaves

by Desnei, posted in Poetry
Cool air in my lungs again.
A numbness over the stain
On a heart soaking in the rain,
Lacking any way to explain.
 
Look beneath the dying leaves and check
My breathing. Will I leave or stay here?
The tragedies of this world create fear
But they don’t define the end. “Wait a sec.”
 
Wet decaying plant matter stinks the same
Like when I was younger. We got caught
By an invisible hand dousing the weak flame.
Turn the page with what we were taught.
 
Burn brightest in the darkest of circumstances.
Stand. There will be many questions and stances.

walk-in-the-fog
The light within will illuminate the way. . .