Tag: Struggle

Misdirection

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Stepping to the line that divides what I knew
From what I learned. The reality I have now
Might be a travesty in the eyes of the few.
At a point in the past I would wonder how.

Did I really care that much I’d judge myself?
Their words caught and placed me on a shelf.

My hands that can’t build or destroy a palace
Don’t play any role on this lonely island
Planet. What more can you want from me?
I gave my everything and still fell down.
We have grown but these scars remain
Making me believe I’m useless.
The strength I use to live is stolen
Because I don’t have any left.

One more bad dice roll from being forgotten.
I bet everyone would like that, to forget my sin
Then move on like I was never even here.
I see that daily. The truth has been clear
So I’ll try my best to live a lie with some reason.
What has hurt me will someday be forgotten.

Will I ever be able to live in your world?
I’ll always be there but I’m not that cold.

We won’t see eye to eye when you hate
Me for being what you can’t be.
The pain I fought through resonates
And trust me you’d never want a taste.
Fear consuming all that I am.

I’m so far gone since that fateful day
When you marked me. Shaken
My faith in this life I’ve taken.
The self hate that I will no longer say.

I have often questioned what I don’t like and why. My mind tries to understand every point of view for justification purposes. (Often that means forgiving horrendous acts because the person did what they thought was truly right even when they were misled.) Most people wouldn’t want to cross that line because they may never be able to find their way back. I’m positive I lost myself.

I can justify the worst actions but not mine. By judging myself too harshly I fail to find much meaning in the life I lead. Wish I could. The only tethers I have to this life are my friends even though they probably just pity me. “What do they really think of me?” haunts my mind when talking to them. If I started crying would they even know that THIS is why. There is an emptiness inside I will always hide.

The days slip by with me trying to do anything constructive. My hands slip before I ever become anything substantial. Others judge my failed efforts making me feel entirely useless. I can’t be them. I still try to be though! This is what can’t be justified. If I ever want to truly fight my own battle I need to tune out everyone else. I’m learning how to be the best man I can be.

Talk to me and you’ll never see the pain I harbor. Never believed anyone would help me so I never asked. Years went by I still remained quiet. People said I was either stupid or mean which I loathed with my whole being. No one expected anything from me. Where are my friends now? They’re moving on when my feet refuse to do the same. Will any of them reach out to see if I’m alright? Maybe they just gave up on me.

I made new friends who remind me  that this whole thing is wrong. I’m doing the best I can in a tough situation. The words of others affect me more because I am self conscious after everything that has happened to me. My mind never stops analyzing giving myself a different perspective that others have a tough time relating. I found people who take the time. Everything is starting to look up.
sa;bdry

Shifting Paradigms

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

A world I love for good and bad
Like the Sun and moon we watch
Every day. Every cell will attach
Creating all living things. I’m sad.
The endless beauty lost to a match
Destined to burn the canvas. A patch.
Temporary verdant, is all I ever had.

Will you ever see me just once?
I stay here watching you dance.

My true name remains unknown
But you know it. Say it to me again.
Human, a beast without a crown.

What I’m meant to be isn’t grand
Although, a majesty exists to be seen:
The gift of chance known as the Earth.
This is what I’m aiming to always see.
Existence. I find resistance from others
Bringing me to my knees. I’ll never beg!

Why force me into a lonely spiral?
Gripping to the ledge I remember
Everything I believe and love. November,
Harbinger of our frigid Winter crystal.

I thought we’d enter the blizzard’s fray
Without ill will but I saw you walk away.
There was a time I’d ask you to stay.

I’m caught in a shift from romanticism
And dark romanticism towards realism.

A romantic drowning in a world of realists. “Am I alone?” These three words echo in an empty space. Well there isn’t a point in self loathing when I know I’m different from the rest. I don’t fit the paradigm created by mankind. I have no desire to destroy or change it just observe. I’ll do what is necessary for a self-respectable life but nothing more. Lazy? Perhaps. Happy? Yeah. The difference is my life is based on the profound instead of the mundane.

treeinfourseasons

Eye to Eye with the Darkness

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, Song

These days I’ve seen doves become ravens
Yet the grace remains in their flight. Hunger,
The difference between the good and the evil.

I watch from afar as death and injustice
Rest atop the apex of this epoch as deities.
My hands appear bloody in my dreams.

Their deaths stain both the lost and silent.
My heart tries but will never be resilient.

I call it a curse because I’m fearful of the truth I see.
Anchor myself in truth though I speak in allusions
For it hurts my soul to know. The world has illusions
That I never make friends with. Castoff in the sea.

If I end up drowning in all the blood spilled by the avaricious
Know I have no regrets for I could never close my own eyes.
54aa7a83afd0515f6dab3a3bc97121b8

To Learn

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, Song

Sometimes I start feeling like the worst
When remembering catastrophes I created.
The good left desecrated. Flowers wilting
After they bloom. My heart rejects that time.

A time I didn’t know myself. You’re right,
I did terrible things and I can’t fix the past.
These memories sting but they won’t last
If my heart keeps beating to find the light.

No matter what I’ll be prepared for a fight
When it comes my way. Sorry, I failed you
Yet I call on that for the strength I’m lacking.

“I moved on.” The lie everyone says once in a while.
Nobody can forget what they gave just to see a smile.
Is that all gone? Regrets force us to change. (No denial!)
learning

Never Let This Fade Away

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Grand schemes direct the mannequins
Like an orchestra. Sent to chase the light,
Can they see their folly in denying a gift?
I’m not unlike them with all these sins.

We have all let others down in the past
And maybe today as well. I won’t say
Any excuses because this is the way it is
If we never push away from what we know.
The faith given to me melted away as snow
When this Winter ends. Seasons in this
Mind of mine follow no set rules. Decay
Eternalized. I search for a Spring to last.

A place where life never ends. My fantasy
Translates into a dream eternal. I shiver
From the icy betrayal of life, a dagger
In my back. How do I say forever this easy?

I knew nothingness before life. How can there be more?
Let these memories remain if anything. To God I swore.

The things I forget are many. Will her face fade away?
Tears fall from my eyes for I’m afraid to lose this.
Sinful is my heart aching in hunger of the truth
As it rips asunder the world I know. Am I even alive?

I knew nothingness before life. How can there be more?
Let these memories remain if anything. To God I swore.

Neuroses plague me as a flock of demons circling like vultures.
I’m far beyond Heaven and Hell now. Light is the carefree mind,
Darkness is the cloudy mind; the primal forces are my chains.

I’ll love with this heart and fear with this mind.
A chaotic existence I live to see events rewind
Because I want to see that smile. A strong wind
Inside carries me forward. . .I can’t fall behind.
eternity

The Human Epic: Part I ~ Of Elysium and Inferno

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, The Human Epic

The sands, they shift as a legend now rises
To enshadow these dunes with wild wishes.

These black marble walls reflect the heat and light
Creating a certain hell called the Tower of Night.

People walk in the shade the tower casts.
They saw the shade as a heaven that lasts.

I never did. I watched them from afar with curious eyes
Wondering why. Why is it that everything someday dies?

Their honest worship of celestial and manmade deities
Left a bitter taste in my mouth with such strong enmities.

I knew better. Some people take to beliefs with violence
While others use kindness. Neither side will use silence.

They aren’t viceful or virtuous just a little belligerent.
Science and faith, trying to make sense of the divergent.
fire_ice_clouds

The Selfish Bastard I Am

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Walk back down the road, tell me that
And I’ll do it. Here I stand with myself
Believing I will always prevail. A shelf
Isn’t the place for a life, but why this hate?

Did I not always have my lofty, unrealistic aims?
I tried living without them and felt dead. I’m sorry.

If everything came to a choice;
Could you accept what I decide?
I’d set off seeking more in this life
Unaware of what’s in front of me.
I’m blind to the simple things,
Left stumbling into the unknown.

Where did I go wrong? Rejoice,
I’ll walk without thoughts of suicide
Chaffing my ankles. Take a knife
And snap the binds. Are we the same?
The pain returns and stings
Like a fresh wound unknown.

I should’ve said the truth; my world is full of suffering
And I’m trying my best to carry on. I find me stuttering
When talking you. I want to shelter you from my differing
Point of view because the night is eternal with no returning.

And here you remain like a stain I can’t wash out.
Will you be the rain and clean the heart I cannot.

“Maybe I’m being selfish. We are going through our own suffering that shakes our foundations. I’m trying to drown out of my pain and see you clearly. These visions of scarlet and cyan lead me away from the truth. Tripping over myself when I run to you. Selfish are my ways but you make me want to be better. I’ll learn from these shortcomings and become the man you always deserved. In the end this love may come undone and I accept that the best I can, yet; I continue forward with the teaching life gives.”

Learning to Relax

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

A grand circus, the dark home of the Liar King,
Thriving like a parasite on the last lights of Eden.
The jesters dancing around primordial flames
But in their eyes is death. And he who tames
Lions has no control over their hunger. Laden
Truth with frightful joys and let humanity sing.

Lights shining on the horizon of the night sky
Tempting pure hearts that have been wading in sludge.
With rain the blood and lust overflow from cisterns
Into the wound of existence, infection of innocence.

Would you run to safety if only you could?

Fleeing into the brier coffin of tears never shed
By men too dark to be saved. The flood erased
Much of what couldn’t grow in the Sun. Were you led
Towards the light or a lie deep inside your head?

If we’d question the truth we’ll find cracks.
Observation and salvation, a petri dish
Growing a colony of lies. Still we wish
To be worthy. How rusted are these tracks?

Continually dragging corpses across the border
Between right and wrong as we try to find order.

I can’t say I really care about that balance.
It’s hard to dream when we can’t ever agree
On what it means to be alive. Does a tree
Forsake itself for growing? Cast a glance:

The Earth is slowly revolving
And on it life remains evolving.
sa;bdry

Don’t Stop, Keep Moving

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

The push and pull of forces, big and small,
Keep leading my feet through all these days.
Tomorrow remains unclear when I’m in a daze.
I’ll remember your words. “Go where your feet fall.”

Many fears wait behind life’s curtain.
A play unfolding. We are calling for rain
To wash away all of what we entertain.

Walk forward. Someday the lights will fade to dark
Leaving us to wander. I’ll remain here with your mark.

Your words stir within when the defenses
Come tumbling down. Selfishly I cling
Because I was not prepared for life.

I’m walking here amid an unending darkness with much pain.
But I wouldn’t be walking if it wasn’t for your words like rain.

They fall so gently. A beautiful serenity
Resounding from your heart, Soon we depart
Yet the words keep us bound. Where do I start
With admitting that you ARE my eternity?

These words filling my head, light sweet liquor filling your glass;
We dance along to the music of life. Don’t let the chance pass.
heart-on-fire

The Serenade of Falling Leaves

by Desnei, posted in Poetry
Cool air in my lungs again.
A numbness over the stain
On a heart soaking in the rain,
Lacking any way to explain.
 
Look beneath the dying leaves and check
My breathing. Will I leave or stay here?
The tragedies of this world create fear
But they don’t define the end. “Wait a sec.”
 
Wet decaying plant matter stinks the same
Like when I was younger. We got caught
By an invisible hand dousing the weak flame.
Turn the page with what we were taught.
 
Burn brightest in the darkest of circumstances.
Stand. There will be many questions and stances.

walk-in-the-fog
The light within will illuminate the way. . .