Tag: Change

What It Means

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

You told me those few words:
“If you must see then just go.
Nothing I say will save you.”
A kindness that forges swords.

In this lonely world I walk to the line.
My heavy feet stumbling and tripping.
Time shifts as I move along. It’s fine,
This paradigm has been constantly moving.

A freedom to chase, a memory to fade.
I couldn’t hold you or stop the serenade
That ripped straight through your chest.
Break this bond before I destroy the rest.

That moment of clarity will be frayed.
Some things need to change and others are stubborn.
You are that stubborn. All sanity washes away,
We walk into the dark hand in hand once more.

I could’ve walked away but I got near
Because from here I can wipe away every tear.

We chased the stars then fell back.
In a free fall we had to make a choice
That we might regret. Look at my face,
I’m scared but I’m here to stay.

sa;bdry

The Scarlet Tears

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Time starts hesitating.
Our words go silent
But our ears still reverberate.
Rage, sympathy, forgiveness;
All things lost in translation.
I came here to say goodbye.

These scarlet tears flow.
Your warmth draining away,
Breath shallowing, eyes dilating,
And memories reeling once more.

Truly my words confide no mercy.
I chose this lonely path of heresy
But it does me no pleasure, dear friend.
I live to have no regrets in the end.

We were friends standing side by side;
It pained me to see us drifting apart ever so far.
The divide we created through choices. Mar
the pact, we meet here blade to blade.

These scarlet tears flow.
Your warmth draining away,
Breath shallowing, eyes dilating,
And memories reeling once more.

In your paradise find us once again
On the pastures of green as children.
sa;bdry

A Friend Betrayed

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

At the feet of some great calamity
All we could do was bow and surrender.
Lost the fight, strife remained. Questions
About tomorrow hovered before us
And answers were things never offered.

Foul intent imprisoned our hearts
In iron cages that no one ever departs.

Our enemy accepted as a brother, tongue bit.
It created a Kingdom as we danced to the tune it had set.
With fear in our eyes we watched it like a God
But awaited for the end of this reign. It never did.

A million civilizations created and a million erased in our heads,
Perfection kept out of reach. These sins never forgotten,
Left unredeemed, will never leave.

Words awaited inside but the time is late.
These things are better left unsaid,
Ya know the way we barter time. Afraid
If we step out of line that the weight
Of the world will bear down and never fade.
In truth it’s what we hide and made,
A monster devouring both love and hate.

This monster is us. You and I, every time
We fight to survive. These are the rules of this game.
Rise to fall, fall to rise; we’re caught in a rhyme.

sa;bdry

The Crimson Tide

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Confiding thoughts relentlessly attack
The state of mind I’m in. If I breathe
I might see the fire go out, lack of air to heave
My chest from eternal stasis. It’s what I lack
And not what I have to gain that I find myself terrified
Of. But somehow every tear I cry is rectified
By the will in my heart to press forward with the pack.

In my silence my titles strip away
One by one like the death of stars in the night sky.

Around me my kin bare their teeth
At a unknowing gazelle. Hunger pushes
Them over the edge, survival instincts breaking in.
Sense and rationality sacrificed for no
More than the fire in our bellies telling
Everyone what they need to survive.

Take me out of this equation.
I’m a stone taken by erosion
Rot yet I seek my own revelation.

How do I find myself here?
Teeth baring, heart racing,
Every rational thought
Ceases from within.

But I pressure myself back
Maintaining distance from the beast.
This beast walking through my mind
As if on a stroll and I only know it’s smell,
It’s shape, it’s home; all of which are me.

My kin stare at me with blank eyes,
Glazed over by insatiable hunger.

White iris puddles get sweeter
As hearts grow ever, ever darker.

Lost in a scarlet scene I look to blue skies.

Tell me that there’s more to this story
Because I feel like a miner lost in a quarry.

Deposits of ore among the rock and dirt,
Gems to find and protect. Sweaty shirt
Taken off, dirty hands, and a heart
Made of stone. How do I depart?

Two illusions of the same life!
What does this serve? My God, my King,
Show me how I can walk anew.
Toss these rinds back and set off,
Ain’t no way I can stay sane here
When my memories eat away at my flesh.

Shadows of my emotion haunt me now
And I can’t breathe without them holding on
To me and my dreams. Can I show
That I am real not a plastic mannequin
On display? I found my own low.

Falling through the clouds of Heaven,
Forgiven and forgotten.

In a few seconds I’ll collide with the ground
And return to my home. Not for a pound
Or any money just curiosity.
I guess we could call it a necessity.

How the beast creates a grave’s mound
Isn’t the same as how people are bound.

Death doesn’t create brothers
Although we bleed side by side.
So many people lost fathers and mothers.
What for? Where does home reside?

Now that they’re gone, the world falls apart.
And all we need is brothers and sisters.
They feed us bullets until we depart.

Why brother, why do you reject my love?
Every second we walk away from the cove
Where our hearts bled. What path did you choose?

When I try to break bread. . .you prepare a noose.

If I must die tonight
Please let me make this right.

When the world is falling apart around you
Don’t ya cry ever for there is light in the end
Of your darkest night. Give me your hand
And let us see that tomorrow. Just let your pain end;
It won’t serve you, it will shatter you.
sa;bdry

I stand with Humanity, my brothers and sisters

by Desnei, posted in Art
Created with Microsoft Fresh Paint
“A Drowning Cry”

I write about a lot of worlds with evil. Some of the horrors are quite excruciating and pitiless. My mind must find a way to understand how the characters react. Life doesn’t give a simple choice. Some of us will seek revenge, some will face sorrow, some will break apart, and some will rise from the ashes like a phoenix. I learned most of these paths from living my own life.

A lot of things in life can hurt. Some things penetrate further into the heart than others. I opened up my heart to every point of view I can. The sorrow is too much but I can’t neglect other people. Everyone cries out for understanding. I will do all that I can to make sure that I help whoever I can. The fire in my heart can relight other hearts that have been smothered. It’s my one mission:

Never let the cries of others go unheard.

The Truth Found Inside

by Desnei, posted in Who I Am

I decided to make a more personal post. Most of the people who read this blog know me only partially from what I write. I can’t say I know myself that well either. If we were to talk about my deeds I’m not much of a person. I’ll sacrifice my own joy for others. My choices haven’t always been the best for myself.

No reason can truly elaborate upon why. I have falsified my own self to make sure a friend never saw me in pain. Love is a very powerful weapon. When is it too much or too little? I am horrible at figuring that out. I wasted a lot of my years chasing love without understanding myself. My heart was a powder keg back then. Sometimes I wonder if it is still able to explode like in the past. What even lit the fuse? Lies, jealousy, and fear make a lot of sparks.

Six years ago I didn’t think much about right and wrong. Life went on by like it always had before. I tried my chance at love and failed miserably. I couldn’t keep a promise and never brought it up until it was way too late. Times have changed. I couldn’t lie if I tried but others still do and most times I say nothing even when I see their deception. My life showed me that it isn’t as simple as it seems. Sometimes things scare us, catch us by surprise, burden us, and hurt us. I don’t blame anyone for hiding from the truth I just hope they find it before too many bridges burn.

Jealousy sets in very easily. I see the good in me, I truly do, but sometimes I feel I can’t keep up with other guys. Never have I told a lover to leave her friends for me. A man has to be very petty if he resorts to those measures. I really have never found a way to combat this feeling. My jealousy and fear are intertwined. I fear that I’ll never live up to what somebody else wants. Despite my fear I keep pushing forward. Some people prove the fear right but I learned I can do better. I will keep improving myself with everyday for the right girl. She’ll deserve the best I can be.

Most of those emotions are superficial. I really value creativity, beautiful minds, and uniqueness far more than anything else. I look at the world with a much more magical fascination. Everything amazes me. People call me childish sometimes because I see more than anyone else does. I don’t think that’s the case. If I were to be narrow in my views I wouldn’t feel like me. I still value my dreams over anything else. Nothing else defines me as much as this paragraph does.

This is me. I go by the alias Desnei when my name is Donnie J. Nelson. My mind loves chasing grand thoughts, my heart burns red hot, my body is here to warm those that I love, my soul looks for ways to better itself, and I live this life. The truth found inside is that I am a compassionate person although I never show it often.

sa;bdry

The Mythic Sommerfall (Back to the Primordial Waters)

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Twisting vines chase the droplets of water
Falling from the eaves far above a chasm.
The song of an engine’s roar and sputter echoes in the distance
Unbenounced to the mystical workings underground.

Radical differences, immutable choices, lost faith
Set the way towards indifference. A land of desolation
And apathetic people. The creation of another wraith.
Mechanical aspirations sloughed off by natural sedation,
An elimination of artificial beings. Sleep away.
The flood gate of my mind bursts. Sleep away.

Strangling dreams do possess me as I’m awake
In this often changing scenery. I slightly choke
On a fear consuming me. Am I simply fake?

Emotions pouring forth remind me that I do feel.
I’m reeling from a realization, an awakening,
That I don’t truly agree with. I slowly begin to kneel
And cross my hands against my chest. Running
Hasn’t saved me from this world. Can’t get away
From this atmosphere choking me. So I’ll stay.

The vines constantly chase a magical beginning
Or perhaps an ending, a place to rest for eternity.
Away from sight, out of mind; the price of dreaming.
Afraid of the mechanical beast ripping apart the Trinity.

People. They learn to rely on the progress of design.
It doesn’t make sense why but they are willing to sign.
A deus ex machina. A reason to live free under an ensign.

Nature. What does it take to create? A sacrifice.
Take the beauty and synthesize it. Roll the dice.
What can go wrong? Throw a sword blindly and it’ll slice.

Compassion. Everybody is looking for someone
Who sees the light deep inside. Most of them are gone
But back into the game. All the same ’til what remains is bone.

I await the magical epiphany of this life to which I pay homage.
The world remains scarred, torn apart. Let’s heal the damage.
sa;bdry

The Weight of a Heart

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Forgotten days in a slumber,
No matter what I do I can’t remember
And it’s killing me on the inside.
Lately I kill myself to cope, my self homicide
Cuz’ I keep on breathing and screaming.
I walk a path of no return with bells a ringing.

Looking for some way back home
Where I don’t feel my heart’s wound.

A lazy afternoon tossing rocks across water
But every single one sinks without a skip.
My heart suffers the weight. Trying harder
In denial of the fear as I fall on a spear’s tip.

The Sun dips below the horizon with it’s own grace
Never concerned with reason. In this Season
Before Winter the days shorten. No long day race
To dissuade me from mending. Winter is evident of my treason.

The Summer burns away my false skin showing
A stitched up heart beating oh so slow ‘n steady.

I feel everything. This anxiety builds up inside of me
And at any moment I might just tear out my heart.
Soon the first frost will cover every bare nerve.
My chilled blood residing in my heart will circulate and start.

Old scars reopen. I remember everything but I must change from inside.
This time is my reset. A day I can find somewhere for my heart to reside.

All things change like the heat of a flame. Sometimes you just need a little fuel.
All things change like the heat of a flame. Sometimes you just need a little fuel.

A Deep Blight / A Friend Lost

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Light, thin leaves fall from olden trees.
Months before Autumn,
A corruption takes hold as our eyes close.
Floating in an open dream,
Unsure of what’s reality
And what’s fiction, desires at hand,
Eternity’s gates open,
Time races by, life withers away.

How does one sip sweet ambrosia
To slip under the veil of lies, Lethe?
Shattered memories, forgotten days;
Forsaking everything for sole salvation.
What of trepidation? Immune. Oblivious.
A lifetime under the Sun and Moon
Scorned, forgotten, and lost. Why?
Darkness swept away the daylight
And twilight haunted the path.

If I could place myself right next to you
Would it be the same? A broken life to renew
But you ran away. Where did you go?
I was a friend, a comrade; am I now a foe?

Your lips touch the metal of the chalice,
My heart beats faster and faster,
A sweet liquid pours down, I roll the dice,
Praying to not lose my friend. Water;
Quenching your thirst but the taste ain’t nice
When all you drink gets sweeter and sweeter.

Tell me why this world falls apart!
You enter paradise and walk over the fire,
No idea of what’s going on. Does it fix anything?
Does denial hold you in the dark of night?
Swallowing deathly toxins, rolling in the dirt,
And walking away from the panorama of despair.
Does this make it easier? Does this satisfy you?
Nothing to grieve, no respect to give, no life to live.

I gave you a home, solace, and time.
What did you give? Or did you just take?

A City of Glass: Part I, Chapter II

by Desnei, posted in Short Story

I open my eyes to see her head fall down onto my shoulder. She struggles to breathe but forces her head to turn towards my left ear. Her heartbeat speeds up, fear makes us both tremble, and I finally notice the blood. A bullet lodged itself in her rib cage after piercing one of her lungs.

“I forgot to tell. . .you why I came here. The royal army. . .sent their new. . .regiment to kill. . .the Mystical Veil. People who believe in religion. . .practice magic. . .aren’t deem human. . .will die. I wanted. . .you to. . .be hap. . .happy.” Her breathing stops but she kisses my cheek.

“I am happy! Don’t go before you know that. I was extremely happy that you came here to save me! You never let go of your promise to be there whenever I fall apart. I don’t want to leave your body here. What’s the purpose of all this? Please I need to hear you once again! Don’t die!”

“Ru..uh..n. . .” She rolls off of me with her failing strength.

My heart drops to the bottom of my chest while tears flood my eyes. I struggle getting my feet underneath me. The world spins around me and my stomach feels uneasy. I can’t hold it back. I never found myself shy to blood but this is far too much, too personal, and too real.

I get myself steady after the queasiness passes. Her last word repeats in my head. Run. Run. Run. Run. Shouts of men can be heard in the forest before the cliff. I can’t get pass them and I know that. I look to the sky beyond the cliff to see the Sun setting. My heart beats faster and faster until I begin running headlong towards the edge.

“I’m not worth your bullets! I’ll end this for you! Don’t go looking for me because the ocean will be my grave unless fate has something else in store for me! Let’s place a bet! If I come back I won’t be alone and we’ll take back this land for the memory of all who died to your destructive beliefs!!!” Gunfire sprays from the forest but not a shot hits me as I leap off the cliff.

I feel like I’m flying until gravity pulls me towards the rocks. Regrets cry out from within but I can’t say a word  as I fall like a spear into the sea. I’m sorry I couldn’t get away. They weren’t going to talk and I wanted to die next to you. Why did you tell me to run? Run to where? Save me somebody! My silent screams dig themselves into my spine forcing me to feel this unrelenting, crawling chill.

     Today is the worst day ever. I let my emotions get in the way and I almost killed myself. I killed the one person who made this life bearable. Her blood is on my hands. What God would. . .no this is the act of indecent men. If there is a God I need you now. Do whatever it takes just let me live through this day. I want to live on to be a thorn in the hide of evil so I can show light even in the dark. And if that is too much to ask then let her take my place in Heaven. I know she never believed in you but she never judged me for believing. She encouraged me to love you and if it wasn’t for her I’d be lost in my own sorrow. A life for a life is fair trade. I can’t ask for anything more.

    I close my eyes in anticipation of the end. The whole world shrinks to this place in the way a tragedy highlights the death of the protagonist. A single man isn’t wholly good or wholly evil but today one takes the stage. I am saying my last rights in my head as a wind touches my back as I am flung forward into salty water. My eyes open in my confusion to see a light above my head.

“A little wisp? They hide from people. What is it doing here? Did you. . .” I reach my hand towards the ball of light. “Who are you?” A familiar warmth startles me.  “Is this even possible?”

“Run.” The small wisp moves ahead and waits for me. I float in the water in a breathless daze while I look at my hand. “Run.”

I swim towards the light. The wisp keeps moving into the open ocean. Night descends upon us, the wisp leads on, I follow, and my heart feels her presence all around me. Whispers can be heard somewhere off in the distance but I can’t stop. My life is still in the hands of fate. The freezing water is slowing me down. My sense of touch fades away.

Suddenly the wisp rushes off into the night without me. Cold stiffens my joints and stings my throat. I can’t move. Did I follow a random wisp for no reason risking my life in the process? The warmth was so real like Olivia’s. I miss her. I grasped at the first thing to remind me of her. An old love  found in the warmth of another. I’m truly pathetic if I seek her so badly. Love is a great thing until the day it falls from the hands of whoever holds it. I still feel her love although she’s gone.

My eyes begin closing. A lot of little lights come into view in front of me. My body starts shutting down. Darkness covers everything once again. I could float endlessly in the tides like a rocking chair lulling me to sleep. Pinholes of warmth spread across my body letting me open my eyes once more. The wisps fade into my skin, they sing a song as they come to me, and magically my life recovers.

The world we once loved,
It has been made different and changed.
Some point we fell from our life
And found ourselves under a scythe.

Together we sing of light
To break us out of this endless night.
Our tears can flood
But no more do we have blood.

Something holds us to the Earthen soil
Although we left this mortal coil.

     Every light fuses with my body except for one. It floats in my reach as if waiting for something. Olivia’s light hasn’t touched me yet. Can this be her? What should I do? I reach my hand out towards the light only to see Olivia materialize before me. The whole world feels right once again.

     “I can’t stay long Rayne. I came to give you a final goodbye in this form. I’ll follow you endlessly as a wisp though. I heard you blaming yourself. Dumb ass! I did what I wanted to do because I love you. If I didn’t I would’ve let you get impaled by those rocks earlier.”

     “Do you have to criticize me even when you’re dead? I thought maybe this could be romantic but. . .” she kisses me quickly.

     “I do love you and that’s why I criticize. A ship will be here soon. I’ll be a wisp by the time they reach us. These people hunt a rare fish that breeds under the light of wisps. Go with them to wherever. You’ll have a good life. Forget about the past, keep me near, and move forward. Rayne, babe, I need you to promise me that you won’t ever come back to Dragacia. A horrible genocide will begin. I can’t handle the thought of losing you to those soldiers. Please promise me.” her body begins to shimmer and fragment.

     “I promise. We can be together forever this way. I’ll never let go of that as long as you’re around.” I kiss her back just before she turns back into a wisp.