Tag: Questions

Misdirection

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Stepping to the line that divides what I knew
From what I learned. The reality I have now
Might be a travesty in the eyes of the few.
At a point in the past I would wonder how.

Did I really care that much I’d judge myself?
Their words caught and placed me on a shelf.

My hands that can’t build or destroy a palace
Don’t play any role on this lonely island
Planet. What more can you want from me?
I gave my everything and still fell down.
We have grown but these scars remain
Making me believe I’m useless.
The strength I use to live is stolen
Because I don’t have any left.

One more bad dice roll from being forgotten.
I bet everyone would like that, to forget my sin
Then move on like I was never even here.
I see that daily. The truth has been clear
So I’ll try my best to live a lie with some reason.
What has hurt me will someday be forgotten.

Will I ever be able to live in your world?
I’ll always be there but I’m not that cold.

We won’t see eye to eye when you hate
Me for being what you can’t be.
The pain I fought through resonates
And trust me you’d never want a taste.
Fear consuming all that I am.

I’m so far gone since that fateful day
When you marked me. Shaken
My faith in this life I’ve taken.
The self hate that I will no longer say.

I have often questioned what I don’t like and why. My mind tries to understand every point of view for justification purposes. (Often that means forgiving horrendous acts because the person did what they thought was truly right even when they were misled.) Most people wouldn’t want to cross that line because they may never be able to find their way back. I’m positive I lost myself.

I can justify the worst actions but not mine. By judging myself too harshly I fail to find much meaning in the life I lead. Wish I could. The only tethers I have to this life are my friends even though they probably just pity me. “What do they really think of me?” haunts my mind when talking to them. If I started crying would they even know that THIS is why. There is an emptiness inside I will always hide.

The days slip by with me trying to do anything constructive. My hands slip before I ever become anything substantial. Others judge my failed efforts making me feel entirely useless. I can’t be them. I still try to be though! This is what can’t be justified. If I ever want to truly fight my own battle I need to tune out everyone else. I’m learning how to be the best man I can be.

Talk to me and you’ll never see the pain I harbor. Never believed anyone would help me so I never asked. Years went by I still remained quiet. People said I was either stupid or mean which I loathed with my whole being. No one expected anything from me. Where are my friends now? They’re moving on when my feet refuse to do the same. Will any of them reach out to see if I’m alright? Maybe they just gave up on me.

I made new friends who remind me  that this whole thing is wrong. I’m doing the best I can in a tough situation. The words of others affect me more because I am self conscious after everything that has happened to me. My mind never stops analyzing giving myself a different perspective that others have a tough time relating. I found people who take the time. Everything is starting to look up.
sa;bdry

The Heart of the Drageci

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, Rise of the First Blight

Solomon watches the time slip away
From his hands. The tears they flood
And he dreams of drowning in them.

One day a strange, cloaked woman
Finds herself chased by angry men.
Rattled by his thoughts he watches
In horror as they drag her into an alley.

He knows he has to help but his body won’t listen.
Blood oozes from the alley with a strange glisten.

The woman returns and stares at Solomon
Who backs up. She reveals to him her face.
“The Heart of Drageci shines like the Sun
In you. They made you the king of our race.”

“King? I have nothing near nobility in my blood.
Go find yourself another murderous psychopath
To play this game with.” “You killed an entire race.”
“By loving someone far too much.” “Love exists.
You just didn’t know what that ring was and paid
In a way steeper than the Mistwalkers. I’m sorry.”

“So what is that Heart of Drageci? I’m curious.”
“A seven chamber heart. Four for your blood
And three for the Mists. We are of their brood,
The Mistwalkers bred with humans.” “Delirious.”

“Maybe but I’ll be by your side always, my king.”
“Great. . .I attract crazy.” And thus the bells ring
For the day fate comes by yet no angels will sing.
sa;bdry

The Dimetri Uterna (The Dimension of All)

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Have you had regrets on a choice already made?
Most likely. You’ll feel that way once in a while
But people push pass that. Just as the Nile
Will never see Cleopatra again things will fade.

For now that’s what we can understand
But doesn’t make it true. Grains of sand
Aren’t aware of the desert but it does exist.
What are we unaware of? Don’t try to resist.

The unknown will always be a thick miasma
Filling our every breath with true brilliance.

Every choice has been exhausted. We burn like a wick
Inside a lantern to brighten the path cloaked in night.
Every shard of time frozen, eternally awaiting ascension
Of consciousness, bathes the dark path in an afterglow.
All the timelines converge to grant us clairvoyance.

Falling into the Dimetri Uterna once more.
Before existence it was full of darkness
But no longer. The light heals every sore
Life created. We’ll reach our own potential.

The unknown will always be a thick miasma
Filling our every breath with true brilliance.

There is no telling what awaits beyond here and now
Even with all the blind faith in the world. As the crow
Flies we push onward to survive even if we do fly low.

Don’t let that be all you do. A glorious universe
Blesses everything with radiation from gamma rays
Released in the death of giant stars. Nothing stays
For long but the moments echo their own verse.

Can you hear them? The undead memories
Of a dying Universe refusing to disappear.
A Universe that never wanted to be alone
Created us all. Can you hear the happiness?

As we stare at the stars in the sky we’ll remember
How little we actually are then enter our slumber.
falcon

The Unseen Chains / Comfortless

by Desnei, posted in Uncategorized, Who I Am

Thinking about the reasons for existence. I have always known that the point of existence is to exist but, what if there’s more to it? All the choices end up painting an image of existence. The truth in that should be enough for comfort. I can’t find the comfort because something feels off. A monumental tower of questions stands in my path.

I enter the gates of the tower and hear them close behind me. This pilgrimage of mine leaves me hollow and ragged. The voices of gods and men matter not when I delve further into the uncertainty. Every second that passes ultimately leaves me further behind everyone else. I still remember the first question.

“Do you see life as a race or a journey?”
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The Human Epic: Part I ~ Of Elysium and Inferno

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, The Human Epic

The sands, they shift as a legend now rises
To enshadow these dunes with wild wishes.

These black marble walls reflect the heat and light
Creating a certain hell called the Tower of Night.

People walk in the shade the tower casts.
They saw the shade as a heaven that lasts.

I never did. I watched them from afar with curious eyes
Wondering why. Why is it that everything someday dies?

Their honest worship of celestial and manmade deities
Left a bitter taste in my mouth with such strong enmities.

I knew better. Some people take to beliefs with violence
While others use kindness. Neither side will use silence.

They aren’t viceful or virtuous just a little belligerent.
Science and faith, trying to make sense of the divergent.
fire_ice_clouds

The Desert of Time

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

The page burns away when met by a flame.
Days where I couldn’t find an easy way to tame
My mind’s eternal hunger left me with scars.
Writing the best I could yet finding only tears
In myself transcending to the page. A story
I wanted to tell though I never knew I’d be sorry
For the words never felt right. I forced my hand
To write when my mind doubted creating sand.

Each and every grain of sand is a piece of the desert
I find myself stranded in, my own existence left inert.

A darkness sleeps under the lost pages
Listening to my heartbeat. I keep walking
In search of an oasis where the dark is not.
Fanatical creatures meet me in my travels
And in a passing glance we will drift apart.
The beauty in this plane of imagination
Gives birth to an appreciation of what I make.

Caught at the eternal crossroads of clairvoyance
I sink further into the sands to find my resonance.
sa;bdry

The Selfish Bastard I Am

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Walk back down the road, tell me that
And I’ll do it. Here I stand with myself
Believing I will always prevail. A shelf
Isn’t the place for a life, but why this hate?

Did I not always have my lofty, unrealistic aims?
I tried living without them and felt dead. I’m sorry.

If everything came to a choice;
Could you accept what I decide?
I’d set off seeking more in this life
Unaware of what’s in front of me.
I’m blind to the simple things,
Left stumbling into the unknown.

Where did I go wrong? Rejoice,
I’ll walk without thoughts of suicide
Chaffing my ankles. Take a knife
And snap the binds. Are we the same?
The pain returns and stings
Like a fresh wound unknown.

I should’ve said the truth; my world is full of suffering
And I’m trying my best to carry on. I find me stuttering
When talking you. I want to shelter you from my differing
Point of view because the night is eternal with no returning.

And here you remain like a stain I can’t wash out.
Will you be the rain and clean the heart I cannot.

“Maybe I’m being selfish. We are going through our own suffering that shakes our foundations. I’m trying to drown out of my pain and see you clearly. These visions of scarlet and cyan lead me away from the truth. Tripping over myself when I run to you. Selfish are my ways but you make me want to be better. I’ll learn from these shortcomings and become the man you always deserved. In the end this love may come undone and I accept that the best I can, yet; I continue forward with the teaching life gives.”

Lost in the Sea of Self

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Slumbering memories sinking under
The waves of existence. When I awake
Will anything remain of what I knew?

A canvas bleeding light and darkness
Until every inch is changed. Calmness
Washes over as I remember tenderness
I could never find but it rests in nothingness.

From the Sea of Self new life will awaken.
I’m but a single thread caught between.

Walking through the lonesome shallows
Where shadows haunt. I feel my heart race
As they remember something that we erase
Along the way. They ready the gallows.

Screaming, lashing; I’m dragged before the noose.
A rope made of the falsities my memories release
Dangles from the smog in the air. Of all the things
Given and taken by me the sentence seems right
For a thief. On the platform a lonely crow sings
Like a tragic form of catharsis. The rope is loose
And I look around to see no one. I hear a noise.

A great storm roars from not far. Nowhere to run
I fall on my knees and tears crash straight down.

“When everything comes undone will you stand or run?”
sa;bdry

Timelines, Pathways of the Heart

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Across the strings of time memories are knots
That come undone. Prove to me you’ll remain
When the start and the end are pulled. A stain
Of red wine on white silk where the string rots.

Electrical waves, your heart beat echoing
In my eardrums a reverberation. Oh, sing.

Eternalize my gaze with a knife of romance;
Touch the point to my iris and tell me the truth.
Come or go, we come undone in unusual ways
Leaving a fissure. Hey, don’t worry my friend,
This is room to grow. Break these ancient chains
To a beast within beyond the Gardens of Babylon.

Shatter the cross-hair and push me back
Along the timeline that brought me here.
I hold to the love inside though I lack
Much strength. I’ll wipe away every tear.

Right or wrong? That isn’t what brought us together.
A string of choices led us near each other. When I saw
You suffering alone I chose to hold you as you tremble.
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Hydraxus Esi Derum / Hydrogen Delirium

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Explosive vindication in the dark;
Sent to thrive on limited energy,
A death sentence. Write an elegy
Little birds flying in reality stark.
What you’ll never know refugee
About the world is lost in a reverie.
Find your way and disembark.

Standing in starlight you’ll be coy
But from that illumination comes joy.

The movement of photons from immense explosions
Bringing life to fertile ground. Toxic concentration,
Everything is set to pass away but the dawn is here.
How long will this cosmic play last? All the players
Abandoned the script in a justifiable madness.
Who was here to watch? Not a soul in the audience
Hearing the asides within this cave of illusions.

Hydraxus esi derum. Prophets seeing visions
In the scrying pool of elements. Hark to the truth
Aringing around thy self, gaze through the keyhole
Because the key’s lost. If you found your soul
Made of hydrogen would you burn? Of couth
And understanding we might make revisions.

Offered eternity or an eternal sacrifice,
It’s up in the air and so are the dice.
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