Tag: Fear

Searching For Alexandria

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

All the minutes turn into hours, incarceration;
These years have been taken by my own hand.
Lost in an endless desert. Sinking in the sand
Until bones are bleached white. Devastation.

I began a search for a new library of Alexandria
Knowing that what I find might just be solitude.
Clarity comes at a lesser cost than finding peace
Because a crystal clear river can still be polluted.

Any simple choice can change the outcome.
I wonder, is that what led to the fall of Rome?

If I sacrifice my time to obtain potential knowledge
I’m letting my life burn away in the air like a candle wick.
But I don’t do that. I dream of an Alexandria, a free haven
For every man, and fight to experience a life worth keeping.

At the end I’ll place a book on the shelf in Alexandria.
Great or bad the book is mine. To avoid this hysteria
Thriving within I’ll write on even during a silent feria.
library-future

Tear Down the Wall Dividing Us

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, Song

Waiting on the day I can breathe once again.
Choked on the fumes of existence and dreams,
I can”t breathe the same air as long as I remain
Living. Every time I try all I can hear are screams.

Is that the imprint left from mankind,
An inability to accept falling behind?

The idea that a wall exists dictating productive
From obsolete. Life should never be quantified
Yet, I still find my own heart to be quite ineffective
When the truth is seen: We’re divided not unified.

Trying my best they dissect and analyze.
We’re no longer trying to relate anymore.
This predatory game played only hurts us.

Don’t betray another for the lies you’ve been fed
For this world has seen much despair in our stead.

Misdirection

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Stepping to the line that divides what I knew
From what I learned. The reality I have now
Might be a travesty in the eyes of the few.
At a point in the past I would wonder how.

Did I really care that much I’d judge myself?
Their words caught and placed me on a shelf.

My hands that can’t build or destroy a palace
Don’t play any role on this lonely island
Planet. What more can you want from me?
I gave my everything and still fell down.
We have grown but these scars remain
Making me believe I’m useless.
The strength I use to live is stolen
Because I don’t have any left.

One more bad dice roll from being forgotten.
I bet everyone would like that, to forget my sin
Then move on like I was never even here.
I see that daily. The truth has been clear
So I’ll try my best to live a lie with some reason.
What has hurt me will someday be forgotten.

Will I ever be able to live in your world?
I’ll always be there but I’m not that cold.

We won’t see eye to eye when you hate
Me for being what you can’t be.
The pain I fought through resonates
And trust me you’d never want a taste.
Fear consuming all that I am.

I’m so far gone since that fateful day
When you marked me. Shaken
My faith in this life I’ve taken.
The self hate that I will no longer say.

I have often questioned what I don’t like and why. My mind tries to understand every point of view for justification purposes. (Often that means forgiving horrendous acts because the person did what they thought was truly right even when they were misled.) Most people wouldn’t want to cross that line because they may never be able to find their way back. I’m positive I lost myself.

I can justify the worst actions but not mine. By judging myself too harshly I fail to find much meaning in the life I lead. Wish I could. The only tethers I have to this life are my friends even though they probably just pity me. “What do they really think of me?” haunts my mind when talking to them. If I started crying would they even know that THIS is why. There is an emptiness inside I will always hide.

The days slip by with me trying to do anything constructive. My hands slip before I ever become anything substantial. Others judge my failed efforts making me feel entirely useless. I can’t be them. I still try to be though! This is what can’t be justified. If I ever want to truly fight my own battle I need to tune out everyone else. I’m learning how to be the best man I can be.

Talk to me and you’ll never see the pain I harbor. Never believed anyone would help me so I never asked. Years went by I still remained quiet. People said I was either stupid or mean which I loathed with my whole being. No one expected anything from me. Where are my friends now? They’re moving on when my feet refuse to do the same. Will any of them reach out to see if I’m alright? Maybe they just gave up on me.

I made new friends who remind me  that this whole thing is wrong. I’m doing the best I can in a tough situation. The words of others affect me more because I am self conscious after everything that has happened to me. My mind never stops analyzing giving myself a different perspective that others have a tough time relating. I found people who take the time. Everything is starting to look up.
sa;bdry

Shifting Paradigms

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

A world I love for good and bad
Like the Sun and moon we watch
Every day. Every cell will attach
Creating all living things. I’m sad.
The endless beauty lost to a match
Destined to burn the canvas. A patch.
Temporary verdant, is all I ever had.

Will you ever see me just once?
I stay here watching you dance.

My true name remains unknown
But you know it. Say it to me again.
Human, a beast without a crown.

What I’m meant to be isn’t grand
Although, a majesty exists to be seen:
The gift of chance known as the Earth.
This is what I’m aiming to always see.
Existence. I find resistance from others
Bringing me to my knees. I’ll never beg!

Why force me into a lonely spiral?
Gripping to the ledge I remember
Everything I believe and love. November,
Harbinger of our frigid Winter crystal.

I thought we’d enter the blizzard’s fray
Without ill will but I saw you walk away.
There was a time I’d ask you to stay.

I’m caught in a shift from romanticism
And dark romanticism towards realism.

A romantic drowning in a world of realists. “Am I alone?” These three words echo in an empty space. Well there isn’t a point in self loathing when I know I’m different from the rest. I don’t fit the paradigm created by mankind. I have no desire to destroy or change it just observe. I’ll do what is necessary for a self-respectable life but nothing more. Lazy? Perhaps. Happy? Yeah. The difference is my life is based on the profound instead of the mundane.

treeinfourseasons

Searching for Clairvoyance

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, Song

So little are these beliefs I carry.
They feel like rocks in my hands
And I am left with a decision.
Should I try to build once more?

Every time I built this to the sky
It fell down, to discover my fear.

You don’t just walk away from that.
The fear takes residence in the heart
Leaving me lost and shivering. Why?
I’ll ask it again like a razor to flesh.
Put it down. The body craves the fear
And I’ve become a vessel of addiction.

I start searching for what I can’t see anymore.
Along the way my eyes have been blinded;
Beliefs and memories distort reality’s plane.
Looking for someone who clears up my vision.

We all seek clairvoyance. The thoughts in our heads
Keep us imprisoned. Show someone the way back
To Earth because we’re drifting in outer space.
Until that day we remain asleep as time moves.

fear_by_akirakirai-d37teev
Picture by akirakirai

 

 

Never Let This Fade Away

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Grand schemes direct the mannequins
Like an orchestra. Sent to chase the light,
Can they see their folly in denying a gift?
I’m not unlike them with all these sins.

We have all let others down in the past
And maybe today as well. I won’t say
Any excuses because this is the way it is
If we never push away from what we know.
The faith given to me melted away as snow
When this Winter ends. Seasons in this
Mind of mine follow no set rules. Decay
Eternalized. I search for a Spring to last.

A place where life never ends. My fantasy
Translates into a dream eternal. I shiver
From the icy betrayal of life, a dagger
In my back. How do I say forever this easy?

I knew nothingness before life. How can there be more?
Let these memories remain if anything. To God I swore.

The things I forget are many. Will her face fade away?
Tears fall from my eyes for I’m afraid to lose this.
Sinful is my heart aching in hunger of the truth
As it rips asunder the world I know. Am I even alive?

I knew nothingness before life. How can there be more?
Let these memories remain if anything. To God I swore.

Neuroses plague me as a flock of demons circling like vultures.
I’m far beyond Heaven and Hell now. Light is the carefree mind,
Darkness is the cloudy mind; the primal forces are my chains.

I’ll love with this heart and fear with this mind.
A chaotic existence I live to see events rewind
Because I want to see that smile. A strong wind
Inside carries me forward. . .I can’t fall behind.
eternity

The Human Epic: Part I ~ Of Elysium and Inferno

by Desnei, posted in Poetry, The Human Epic

The sands, they shift as a legend now rises
To enshadow these dunes with wild wishes.

These black marble walls reflect the heat and light
Creating a certain hell called the Tower of Night.

People walk in the shade the tower casts.
They saw the shade as a heaven that lasts.

I never did. I watched them from afar with curious eyes
Wondering why. Why is it that everything someday dies?

Their honest worship of celestial and manmade deities
Left a bitter taste in my mouth with such strong enmities.

I knew better. Some people take to beliefs with violence
While others use kindness. Neither side will use silence.

They aren’t viceful or virtuous just a little belligerent.
Science and faith, trying to make sense of the divergent.
fire_ice_clouds

Lost in the Sea of Self

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Slumbering memories sinking under
The waves of existence. When I awake
Will anything remain of what I knew?

A canvas bleeding light and darkness
Until every inch is changed. Calmness
Washes over as I remember tenderness
I could never find but it rests in nothingness.

From the Sea of Self new life will awaken.
I’m but a single thread caught between.

Walking through the lonesome shallows
Where shadows haunt. I feel my heart race
As they remember something that we erase
Along the way. They ready the gallows.

Screaming, lashing; I’m dragged before the noose.
A rope made of the falsities my memories release
Dangles from the smog in the air. Of all the things
Given and taken by me the sentence seems right
For a thief. On the platform a lonely crow sings
Like a tragic form of catharsis. The rope is loose
And I look around to see no one. I hear a noise.

A great storm roars from not far. Nowhere to run
I fall on my knees and tears crash straight down.

“When everything comes undone will you stand or run?”
sa;bdry

Finding the Words to Say

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Where did the Summer blue
Drift off to, when the birds flew?

I can’t say I know anymore.
That’s the reason for my tears
Falling onto my cheeks. I’m sore
From all the rust on my gears.

Something changed deep inside my heart.
It feels like a darkness, the shadow
Of yesterday casting onto a blank wall,
And the memories go cold. Fear,
A demon tasting the wealth of blood
Pooling in these forgotten chambers.

Did I forget to say goodbye again?
In truth we both wait for the rain.

What have you lost? I should ask
Yet the distance feels great.
Would tomorrow be too late?
Helplessly watching day turn to dusk.

As the first star shines through the veil
Of night I’ll be thinking about this little tale.

dusk_forest_by_sclarke1991-d63rnsa
By Sclarke1991

To Light Up the Dark

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Sunder the daylight breaking through a window.
A distraction of light kisses this naked skin
Giving rise to a vivid, desperate hallucination.
Captured by the intangible hands of tomorrow.

Scream to let out the carbon dioxide that gathers inside,
The reality has shifted among the parallel lines of time.

Untold legends, unseen history, unforgettable life;
Sold your heart between what’s disreputable
And accepted. The light bends to be received.
Everything comes undone on the molecular level
As the choice to walk or stop comes on by.

What truth remains on the path paved in perspective?
A tricky deceit like a blank receipt leaves life unseen.
The darkness, lack of evolution, will always paralyze
Those who never adapt. Light it up with what’s between
These two hemispheres. This all might be subjective.

I’m drifting among the dust of dead stars seeking gravity,
A fiery birth of light to pierce the dark and grant amnesty.
space-purple-nebula-1