Tag: Hope

Peace Isn’t Always Happy (Self-Destruct)

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Serenity. A careless whisper
Takes it toll like a hidden dagger.
My whole entire peace of mind decays
And the interior becomes exposed.
Twist my heart, unsettle my nerves,
Burn my will, erase me from your mind.

Rewind the scene just to disengage!

On the day this began you sat there
With a smile tempting inner monsters.
I was intoxicated by both sin and fear
Unable to move. For starters,

The peace I cherished was boring.
I dreaded the truth but realized it
As my heart reverberated the dullness
Like I was hollow and empty inside.
Break the bindings around my ankles!

I summoned the hurricane to see my demise.

Waters, the tears forgotten, receded
Just to return home once more. I heeded
The signs but remained on the beach.
Everything has finally fell out of reach.

Why did your words still strike me?
Armor couldn’t block what I had let in
To my heart. Our blood runs the same.

Set the charges on my mind’s wall
Then blast through every barrier beyond.
This is war to bring me back from the Rivers
Because the coin I gave the Ferryman was fake.

Your eyes are the map that brings me to life.

Caught by the tug and pull of others
I abandoned myself in pursuit of lies.
But even when torn apart one thing frees
Me. Something that gives angels new feathers.

It is only you returning hope to my hands.
Together we’ll begin a journey to new lands.

Please tell me the storm is over. . .lie to me.
sa;bdry

Thorns: Fear and Love

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Untold legend unfolding
At the corners of your mouth.
If I leaned in would you do the same?
My heart beating so heavily.

We stayed up late talking up the night
About anything and everything. You’re the light
Shining into my dark world. Lead me out
From this cave of uncertainty. I am caught.

The tireless routines of life bored me.
We were told how it was then left here
But that isn’t how the tale ends. We are the same
In our hearts so when life changes we never fear.

Hold my hands when I lay
In both the dark and the light.
Here is all I know and will
Upon this Earth casting stones.
Eternity collapsed with a cave in
Taking me far from what once was.
No turning back, no giving up,
No more lies, no more hiding.
If it all ends then let it end now
Without any hesitation, destroy me.
Wipe away what I have become
Down here where all hope dies.
I grow darker and darker every day.
Let in your light to burn away my shadows.

Touch my cheek and look in my eyes.
See my every demon and say they are lies.

We go through these days working so hard.
Silence fills the space between like thorns
On a rose bush. We fear what it warns
But hold your breath I won’t let love discard.

Unconditionally, I stay because I need you.
When the world is a scary place find a friend
You can rely on even when everything goes dark.

You are that friend to me. So let me lean in
For a kiss. I’ll remain and you are the reason.
sa;bdry

The Birth of a Dream and a Belief

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

I awoke from darkness with new eyes
That always question what I see.
Days went on by, I learned that the key
Of life is in direction. What about lies?

They are constructed from truth
And people rarely see their worth.

Everyone relies on a lie once in a while.
Life gets hard and we break inside;
This is the Shattered Dawn.

I tried to find a lie to rest upon
But the world bound me to the truth.
Everyone danced in the cold night
As my eyes searched the streets
For a sign among these artificial lights.
I need to know what’s actually right
In this fairytale of a wolf’s tooth.
Give into hunger or lose the tension.

I survived without making a choice.
And I reached towards the sky in a joyous
Refrain. I had met myself face to face.

But wait! This wasn’t meant to last when
My friends came to say dreams are dead.
This rage grew in my gut, covered me in red,
Silenced my tongue, and left me alone again.

Everything I knew and cared about rejected.
The tears that never fell made scars on my heart
That will never ever heal. Why did we fall?

A world that was too real and unable to feel.
Why should that be? I found it in me to reel
Back and say no. The words I say with tears streaming:
No, there is nothing wrong in dreaming.

Then I heard hatred spoke against beliefs.
They blamed it for the terrible events
Orchestrated in a desert they never entered.
We called them monsters but these forms we all share.

So I folded inward with downward eyes.
Nobody wants the truth when it stings
But somehow the truth is all my heart sings.
Something had to be done in sake of our ties.

I dreamed of a place where thoughts reside.
These emotions and dreams replicated;
Our humanity preserved. I’m transfixed
On this idea where it no longer matters the side.

This dream is a belief that we can all find peace.
No matter your choices you will find your place.

sa;bdry

Goodbye: A Wish

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

I await here succumbed by the dark.
Shadows swallowed, forms merged,
Hearts laid to rest, and yet tears still lurk.
The stars shining on the last tide forged.

The words spoke from fear circumvent
In my ears like screams left unheard.
Voyage to my core, I must see what hurt
More. Walking away or trying to repent?

We had seen the walls begin to build.
The cups, our hearts, were finally filled.

When you hear the world then heed it.
I would never want you to regret our love.
And for that you must be ready to forget
What we had made. Please just forgive
Me because this hurts but I don’t regret.

Darkness had set on my eyes.
Days in the Sun awaiting the shade
As a respite from what had been made.
A day I saw the glitter leave your eyes.

I welcomed the coming nightfall.
Find your path as I start to find my own.
We must before the birds call.

Time is moving, the Earth is turning;
We are caught in an eternal dance.
The rhythm stays the same,
But not always in the way we want.
I truly did try to be there.
In truth I was your stepping stone
Leading you from a little puddle
To a midnight pond. Cast a stone
Much like a wish into the unknown,
When the dark bursts into light.

It might be really hard now but we will survive
Because in life sometimes you should take a dive.

sa;bdry

What It Means

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

You told me those few words:
“If you must see then just go.
Nothing I say will save you.”
A kindness that forges swords.

In this lonely world I walk to the line.
My heavy feet stumbling and tripping.
Time shifts as I move along. It’s fine,
This paradigm has been constantly moving.

A freedom to chase, a memory to fade.
I couldn’t hold you or stop the serenade
That ripped straight through your chest.
Break this bond before I destroy the rest.

That moment of clarity will be frayed.
Some things need to change and others are stubborn.
You are that stubborn. All sanity washes away,
We walk into the dark hand in hand once more.

I could’ve walked away but I got near
Because from here I can wipe away every tear.

We chased the stars then fell back.
In a free fall we had to make a choice
That we might regret. Look at my face,
I’m scared but I’m here to stay.

sa;bdry

The Crimson Tide

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Confiding thoughts relentlessly attack
The state of mind I’m in. If I breathe
I might see the fire go out, lack of air to heave
My chest from eternal stasis. It’s what I lack
And not what I have to gain that I find myself terrified
Of. But somehow every tear I cry is rectified
By the will in my heart to press forward with the pack.

In my silence my titles strip away
One by one like the death of stars in the night sky.

Around me my kin bare their teeth
At a unknowing gazelle. Hunger pushes
Them over the edge, survival instincts breaking in.
Sense and rationality sacrificed for no
More than the fire in our bellies telling
Everyone what they need to survive.

Take me out of this equation.
I’m a stone taken by erosion
Rot yet I seek my own revelation.

How do I find myself here?
Teeth baring, heart racing,
Every rational thought
Ceases from within.

But I pressure myself back
Maintaining distance from the beast.
This beast walking through my mind
As if on a stroll and I only know it’s smell,
It’s shape, it’s home; all of which are me.

My kin stare at me with blank eyes,
Glazed over by insatiable hunger.

White iris puddles get sweeter
As hearts grow ever, ever darker.

Lost in a scarlet scene I look to blue skies.

Tell me that there’s more to this story
Because I feel like a miner lost in a quarry.

Deposits of ore among the rock and dirt,
Gems to find and protect. Sweaty shirt
Taken off, dirty hands, and a heart
Made of stone. How do I depart?

Two illusions of the same life!
What does this serve? My God, my King,
Show me how I can walk anew.
Toss these rinds back and set off,
Ain’t no way I can stay sane here
When my memories eat away at my flesh.

Shadows of my emotion haunt me now
And I can’t breathe without them holding on
To me and my dreams. Can I show
That I am real not a plastic mannequin
On display? I found my own low.

Falling through the clouds of Heaven,
Forgiven and forgotten.

In a few seconds I’ll collide with the ground
And return to my home. Not for a pound
Or any money just curiosity.
I guess we could call it a necessity.

How the beast creates a grave’s mound
Isn’t the same as how people are bound.

Death doesn’t create brothers
Although we bleed side by side.
So many people lost fathers and mothers.
What for? Where does home reside?

Now that they’re gone, the world falls apart.
And all we need is brothers and sisters.
They feed us bullets until we depart.

Why brother, why do you reject my love?
Every second we walk away from the cove
Where our hearts bled. What path did you choose?

When I try to break bread. . .you prepare a noose.

If I must die tonight
Please let me make this right.

When the world is falling apart around you
Don’t ya cry ever for there is light in the end
Of your darkest night. Give me your hand
And let us see that tomorrow. Just let your pain end;
It won’t serve you, it will shatter you.
sa;bdry

I stand with Humanity, my brothers and sisters

by Desnei, posted in Art
Created with Microsoft Fresh Paint
“A Drowning Cry”

I write about a lot of worlds with evil. Some of the horrors are quite excruciating and pitiless. My mind must find a way to understand how the characters react. Life doesn’t give a simple choice. Some of us will seek revenge, some will face sorrow, some will break apart, and some will rise from the ashes like a phoenix. I learned most of these paths from living my own life.

A lot of things in life can hurt. Some things penetrate further into the heart than others. I opened up my heart to every point of view I can. The sorrow is too much but I can’t neglect other people. Everyone cries out for understanding. I will do all that I can to make sure that I help whoever I can. The fire in my heart can relight other hearts that have been smothered. It’s my one mission:

Never let the cries of others go unheard.

The Truth Found Inside

by Desnei, posted in Who I Am

I decided to make a more personal post. Most of the people who read this blog know me only partially from what I write. I can’t say I know myself that well either. If we were to talk about my deeds I’m not much of a person. I’ll sacrifice my own joy for others. My choices haven’t always been the best for myself.

No reason can truly elaborate upon why. I have falsified my own self to make sure a friend never saw me in pain. Love is a very powerful weapon. When is it too much or too little? I am horrible at figuring that out. I wasted a lot of my years chasing love without understanding myself. My heart was a powder keg back then. Sometimes I wonder if it is still able to explode like in the past. What even lit the fuse? Lies, jealousy, and fear make a lot of sparks.

Six years ago I didn’t think much about right and wrong. Life went on by like it always had before. I tried my chance at love and failed miserably. I couldn’t keep a promise and never brought it up until it was way too late. Times have changed. I couldn’t lie if I tried but others still do and most times I say nothing even when I see their deception. My life showed me that it isn’t as simple as it seems. Sometimes things scare us, catch us by surprise, burden us, and hurt us. I don’t blame anyone for hiding from the truth I just hope they find it before too many bridges burn.

Jealousy sets in very easily. I see the good in me, I truly do, but sometimes I feel I can’t keep up with other guys. Never have I told a lover to leave her friends for me. A man has to be very petty if he resorts to those measures. I really have never found a way to combat this feeling. My jealousy and fear are intertwined. I fear that I’ll never live up to what somebody else wants. Despite my fear I keep pushing forward. Some people prove the fear right but I learned I can do better. I will keep improving myself with everyday for the right girl. She’ll deserve the best I can be.

Most of those emotions are superficial. I really value creativity, beautiful minds, and uniqueness far more than anything else. I look at the world with a much more magical fascination. Everything amazes me. People call me childish sometimes because I see more than anyone else does. I don’t think that’s the case. If I were to be narrow in my views I wouldn’t feel like me. I still value my dreams over anything else. Nothing else defines me as much as this paragraph does.

This is me. I go by the alias Desnei when my name is Donnie J. Nelson. My mind loves chasing grand thoughts, my heart burns red hot, my body is here to warm those that I love, my soul looks for ways to better itself, and I live this life. The truth found inside is that I am a compassionate person although I never show it often.

sa;bdry

The Mythic Sommerfall (Back to the Primordial Waters)

by Desnei, posted in Poetry

Twisting vines chase the droplets of water
Falling from the eaves far above a chasm.
The song of an engine’s roar and sputter echoes in the distance
Unbenounced to the mystical workings underground.

Radical differences, immutable choices, lost faith
Set the way towards indifference. A land of desolation
And apathetic people. The creation of another wraith.
Mechanical aspirations sloughed off by natural sedation,
An elimination of artificial beings. Sleep away.
The flood gate of my mind bursts. Sleep away.

Strangling dreams do possess me as I’m awake
In this often changing scenery. I slightly choke
On a fear consuming me. Am I simply fake?

Emotions pouring forth remind me that I do feel.
I’m reeling from a realization, an awakening,
That I don’t truly agree with. I slowly begin to kneel
And cross my hands against my chest. Running
Hasn’t saved me from this world. Can’t get away
From this atmosphere choking me. So I’ll stay.

The vines constantly chase a magical beginning
Or perhaps an ending, a place to rest for eternity.
Away from sight, out of mind; the price of dreaming.
Afraid of the mechanical beast ripping apart the Trinity.

People. They learn to rely on the progress of design.
It doesn’t make sense why but they are willing to sign.
A deus ex machina. A reason to live free under an ensign.

Nature. What does it take to create? A sacrifice.
Take the beauty and synthesize it. Roll the dice.
What can go wrong? Throw a sword blindly and it’ll slice.

Compassion. Everybody is looking for someone
Who sees the light deep inside. Most of them are gone
But back into the game. All the same ’til what remains is bone.

I await the magical epiphany of this life to which I pay homage.
The world remains scarred, torn apart. Let’s heal the damage.
sa;bdry

A Motionless Dream — Part I, Chapter I

by Desnei, posted in Short Story

What makes the world start and go? Is it the people or the movement of atoms? The clock clicks forward as the soldiers march over a battlefield littered with corpses. A machine made of flesh and bone grinds against the harden earth. Every breath breaks away at the wall that separates today and tomorrow. Caught in the hands of a forsaken man who drives into me the cords of my own defeat like a symphony of strings heard only as a city burns. So why does this keep going?
Circumstance. We live only in an attempt to say we’re not dead. The beauty to be seen is merely an illusion fading away into the endless darkness of the night. A little iris flower sprouting from the flesh of a dead man as if he is only soil. Perhaps that is the reason I seek. All I need is a little reminder that everything is everything. You might ask why. I have no answer to that except a gut feeling. My past is unknown. I am here but without memories so am I truly me?
I awoke in this motionless dream. . . .

The sweet smell of dew covered flowers overwhelms me. My blurry eyes open up, I blink a few times, and look around me. A grassy field stretches far beyond the horizon in every direction. I try standing up but my legs feel so numb. I sit up to get a better idea of my surroundings. Flowers dot the landscape, small plots of wheat sway back and forth against a light gale, and a tree sits a few feet away casting shade over me. I dig my hands into the soil beside me. It’s wet and rich by the way it feels between my fingers like a moist cake.
I expect a bug to crawl up my thigh but never does. I glance around to see if there are birds flying in the sky. None. An eerie silence parades through this place like a chill down my spine. My heart races faster and the scenery starts to spin. A fear, so tangible, grips me by my throat. I struggle to awake from this nightmare. The blue sky darkens to a purple with black clouds drifting slowly on by. My eyes close.
Bustling noise of people brings me back. I look around to see nothing from before except for the tree. Concrete fills the fields, people replace the flowers, and long gorgeous hair flows in the wind. I’m leaning against a wooden pillar holding up the awning to a little wagon showing its wares. A guy perhaps only a year older than me watches me with a charmed expression. I blush at him ever so lightly.
“I see you’re awake! We haven’t had many customers yet. The day is just so beautiful I guess. They all walk on by with smiles. It’s just a part of the trade. How was your sleep? Any dreams?” he eagerly fills me in on what’s going on.
“I uh,” hesitating from the fact I don’t know him, “I did. It was this place but without the town. A beautiful meadow where I couldn’t get up or speak. It was so weird.”
“Dreams do that. Maybe you’ll find some hidden truth in it. Most people move on from their dreams so quickly to live this life but the dreams had something to say. Do you remember our talk three nights ago?”
“I can’t say I do.”
“We’ve grown up a lot in the last two years. We know just who we want to be. I want to follow my father’s footsteps and sell this prdouce to these people. I don’t grow enough for a small militia but enough to sell and eat. When I asked you what you want to be you said you wanted to think on it. Do you know now?”
“Hm I can’t say for sure. I really want only one thing right now.”
“Me.”
“What?”
“What?”
“I was going to say I want to know what’s going on.”
“What we do every week?”
“I don’t remember any of this. Do you really know me?”
“Uh yeah? Is something wrong?”
“Oh. Nothing. I guess I’m just really tired or something. Everything feels a little off.”
“Haha, alright. I was scared for a moment. You looked like you were lost.”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe what?”
“Sorry. I’m thinking out loud don’t mind me.”
“Rae go for a stroll. I can hold the fort down. You just seem like you need some time and space. I’ll be waiting here so try to get back before dusk. I’d hate to not get home before the storm.”
“Alright. What time is it though?”
“A little pass three. If the Sun starts setting just come back. Some people in this town are very weird and I don’t want you to get hurt. Go to the gardens or something. Let go of whatever is bothering you.”
“Thanks.”
I quickly walk away. My memories don’t exist. I try to recall them but only nothingness is there. I only remember my name of Ilyianna. People wave at me like they know me. I wave back only half heartedly. The sound of my feet tapping on the cobblestone road sounds so unreal. Every step tears me from this reality a little more. Thoughts about the dream circle around in my head adding to the disassociation.
My feet stop for a second as I look at the ground. A little piece of paper sits there with a rock weighing it down. I look around to see if anyone left it but no one did. Most of the people mind their own business and keep to themselves. Nervous hesitation shakes through my arm as I reach down and pick up the paper. Words written in blood seep through reading:
If you can see this you have awoke. Good. My name doesn’t matter. I know of Ilyianna’s secret and I bet you want to know. I can’t write it down. You’ll understand soon. Remember this — The clock strikes the umbral heart at exactly light of dawn before the breath of day.
What is going on? What does that mean? Damn it! I have no clue what to think. I need answers not more questions. Ugh, please something start to make sense. I start running. People look oddly at me making me run faster. My heart beats so fast that it could jump right out of my chest. Someone sneaks up on me and puts a hand around my stomach. I scream but nobody hears me. The person gets right next to my ear.
“Be quiet. Did anyone tell you not to walk to this side of town? Some really unsavory types set up shop here. A pretty girl like you could catch a nice penny. Hell, they don’t mind if you’re used too.”
“Get away from me!” I yell.
“Oh how cute. Men like a woman with a little sass especially in bed. It makes it more worthwhile.”
“You’re a monster.”
“I like to see myself as an entrepreneur. The real monster is all of us. These bodies crave lust. I can’t help but give the masses what they want. Supply and demand.”
An arrow flies pass both of us hitting the ground nearby. The man at the wagon from earlier stands there with a bow. He smiles and walks closer. My captor lets me go to back away from this scene. Another arrow hits him in the shin. He screams loudly then whimpers. I run to my savior and cower by his side.
“Are you hurt Rae?”
“I’m just shaken up. I’ll be okay.”
“So what were you trying to do? I know this is a shady part of town but still. I want an answer.” firmly states the young man.
“I thought she needed help. Some of these unsavory types would violate her. Not I. I would never hurt a woman.”
“What do you do for a living?”
“Nothing.”
“Really? A man has been accused of helping the slave trade by preying on helpless women and children. A scruffy man who finds the only thing beautiful in the world is money. He couldn’t respect a woman if he saw one.”
“Watch your tongue! This is my district. Stay to your own. Don’t act so high and mighty when you never starve. Do you even know what it takes to stay safe in this world? By being the first one to act.”
“No. If I starved I wouldn’t hurt another just to eat. Fight your own struggle don’t involve others. It’s a test of will. A test you failed. Pick up your stuff, leave those good people be, and get the hell out of my town. Now!”
“And if I don’t?”
“The law doesn’t protect criminals and thieves.”
“It actually does. Until a self-entitled saint swings his morals around like a gavel. I don’t have to listen to you. I’ll be staying here until the end.”
“Rae, please turn away.” as he says that I turn.
A single arrow flies through the air. The tang of the string echoes through the cobblestone streets. People look up at the unfolding scene. I lean my back against the man wondering what he feels deep inside. How do you kill someone so easily? Why would he not back down? I don’t even know you. Why? He places a hand on my shoulder and kisses my cheek.
“We shouldn’t stay here. Come on. Don’t look back whatever you do.”
He drags me up off the ground. I catch my footing and start running to keep up. The gasps of the townsfolk perpetuate the smell of iron in the air. They don’t understand why. I don’t understand either. I just run to keep ahead of my doubts that will surely tear apart this reality. A hundred questions left without answer. I’m the criminal running from a forgotten past.
My heart beat stabilizes with every step away from the blood spill. I can’t fight an urge to look back. I slightly turn my head right before he places a hand over my eyes. He laughs at me and I glare at him angrily. I decide to not look back despite my urge.
“If you look back at the darkness you’ll never escape. Look forward. Do you see the light?” he stretches a hand out towards the setting Sun.
“Yes.”
“Stay focus on that. It will be the only way to awake from the darkness. I don’t know if I can take you there. I just hope you hold onto this. Don’t stay too long where you are lost or else you’ll become the reason why you’re lost. Learn to walk towards the light even by yourself. For now, just come with me.”
sa;bdry